Archive for 2010

I need to incorporate a relaxing activity into my daily routine. I’ve been busy and anxiously worrying about my future & I need a healthy outlet! I worry about passing the CNA final (even though I got 100% on midterm, woohoo!), passing the practical skills test, january’s finances, 4.0 GPA for winter qtr, if anyone will hire me, when i will finally generate a real income, etc. NONSTOP WORRYING = not good. Top 3 stress relievers that I need to do:

1) go to cute & quaint town 20 mins away, study at starbucks, go for walk with ipod
2) current read: http://www.amazon.com/Shantaram-Novel-Gregory-David-Roberts/dp/0312330529 - autobiography of heroin addict
3) scrapbook

I am smart & competent enough to pass the written & skills final. I will pass the state test. Whoever hires me will be one lucky employer cuz I’ll work my @$$ off. I’m at the top of all my classes. Not only do I study hard & get good grades, I actually learn & conceptualize the material to put it to use in the real world. January will be a tough financial month, but I will get hired in February. I will get help for my eating and normalize it so it can work for my body. I have no reason to be constantly anxious. I am fine & everything will be okay! 

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so much to do, swear, winter break is just as busy as when school’s in session.

to do:
-send NAC form + $48
-send NAR form + $48
-study for CNA final
-CNA classes & skills training (almost done)
-clinicals in 1.5 weeks
-biology & nutrition vocab before school starts
-coordinate another piano recital featuring me & students
-other misc. activities
-buy CNA video to practice for state test
-buy aneroid blood pressure cuff

i got my first nursing uniform + stethoscope yesterday ridiculous cost, but worth it.

and sister half heartedly apologized. its cool, whatevs, just how she is. 

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I hope everyone had a merry christmas.

I had a really fun one with my family at first. We had 3 xmas parties. Last night (xmas eve), we had a family friend come over. My sister was at her friend’s house, so it was just me, mom, dad, friends, and it was a lot of fun. This morning, we had a family friend visit from canada. We’ve known them for 20 years. I played with their kids when I was 3. The last party was not so fun. It was the one with all our relatives and, unfortunately, my sister. She loves to stare and watch me so she can police everything I do and say. She’ll roll her eyes at whatever I say. She’ll shake her head for no apparent reason at me. Etc. So I just closed my eyes and just tried to fall asleep on the couch cuz I couldnt be myself with her policing me like that CONSTANTLY. godda**it. She needs to get a f***ing life. That bipolar girl gets so insecure whenever there’s people around, so she sticks to me like glue and criticizes EVERYTHING i do cuz apparently, everything i do embarrasses her. All our cousins are having a sleepover @ someones house. I want to go & hangout w/ them, but my sister is going too. And it’s kind of hard to relax and have fun when you’ve got a personal cop around you 24/7. So I stayed home. 

Did I mention that after throwing & breaking my laptop, she also threw and broke my dad’s printer? Yeah. And she never got in trouble, as usual, cuz my parents cant control her. So I bought myself a new laptop & dad bought a new printer. She does WHATEVER she wants & WE’RE the ones that have to clean up the mess while she goes her merry way. I said to mom, "youre not gona say anything? so whats next? the TV?" and mom goes, "no, if she does it again, of course ill say something." ha, yeah right mom. and tonight, mom told me, "i told her to not watch you and leave you alone, i wonder why she still does that." haha… u really wonder? thats who she is. thats what she does.

UGH. sorry to be the grinch. i was in a GREAT mood before & i used my meal plan again and was following it & having fun with people.. i honestly was in a good mood until that b**** started rolling her eyes & shaking her head at everything i was saying. thank god shes out @ a sleepover now. that bipolar seriously needs some f***ing help. 

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I need to stop tiptoe-ing around the topic of food and tell it like it is. I’ve been lying to everyone, including myself. I say "Oh, my eating problem isnt THAT bad, I’ve got bigger and better things to worry about, so ED is always here and its stressful, but its not THAT bad." I’ve distracted myself with school — it’s a great distraction, but it never lasted. 

I’m going to admit here… I’m addicted to food. I am totally helplessly addicted to food. I pretend to think about something else, but at the end of the day, my mind ALWAYS comes back to food and weight and calories and self loathing and self disgust. And I dont know how to stop. I’m embarrased to admit that because 1) its despicable, 2) I’m still addicted after beginning recovery in 2007, 3) and all the fat on my body due to the addiction. I’ve been too ashamed to talk about this openly with anyone, even on this anonymous online blog. I’ve been too embarrased to admit that even after a successful day of studying & good grades, I always escape with food at the end of the night. I go to sleep in a food coma. I wake up too full for breakfast. People look at me and think nothings wrong because I’m of normal weight, smiling, joking, driven, busy, etc… but no, people, I am miserable, I am still totally consumed by this food thing & I didnt realize that I was still consumed. I went back into denial mode. I cant believe I’m of normal weight with all the food I consume. If I continue like this, my metabolism will bite back and my weight will probably climb as high as obesity status. I will not continue like this. I need to stop… but I dont know how. I dont know who to talk to. I’m too ashamed and embarrased of my lack of control, gluttony, weight, appearance, and more. I dont know what to do. The #1 thing I want is professional help but I wont have a real paycheck until february. And I cant wait that long. I need to take steps forward NOW. I cant do this any more. I refuse. I’m gona join a support group. I’ve been thinking about it for a while now, but no more "thinking" about it… I’m gona do it. I’m gona join a support group & hopefully find someone I can talk to there. I need to come clean about this. Secrets keep you sick. There are 2-3 people who suspect that my ED is still active but none of us know how to approach the topic. Too awkward. I need to find someone else from a support group who is going thru it themselves. 

I need to change. I need to be more open and honest on here too. I cant keep running from this topic. I cant avoid this problem and burying it deeper and deeper while using school as a distraction. 

Something needs to change.  

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The heart of the Bride of Christ

How do we know we are of the body of the bride of Christ?

December 18^th 2010, I awoke at night and while I lay on my bed, my thoughts are ever on my Lord, my beloved; I wondered what He might be thinking about me; I wondered how he sees me right at this moment; I wondered if His heart breaks for me even as mine is breaking for Him right at this moment; yes, His heart longed to be joined as one with mine, with ours; I know that He loves me very passionately, with an eternal love; I know that I love him passionately with an eternal love.

We know that we are the Bride of Christ when we awake in the middle of the night longing to be with our bridegroom, Yahshua, crying out for him to come quickly.

 

But why do I feel so lonely lying here next to my (earthly) husband in the early morning hours of the night; and my desires are fixed on my Beloved Christ I feel lonely for Him; my soul longed to hear His voice, I desire to see Him as He is, In all His Glory; I groan in this clay house (body) of mine, longing to be made completely whole in Him; I cried, Lord, finish the work you’ve started in me!  I want to come home, my soul desire to be free from this body, from this limitation, from this world.
We know that we are the Bride when our hearts belongs to Him only, when we desire only Him; when we have ears and eyes only for him, we know that we are the Bride; when we forsake the will and desires of our children and of our husbands & wives for will and desires of Yahshua our Bridegroom, we know that we are the Bride when our thoughts are fixed on Him every moment, every minute, every hour and everyday.

 

I drifted off to sleep with my beloved on my  mind; I awoke in the morning and my love for him was heavy on my soul; I arise and started my day and my thoughts are ever before Him; I cannot contain myself, I missed my beloved, I want him close me; I listened (spiritually) for him to speak, for Him to show Himself to me; where is my beloved, when will he come and take me away from this valley of the shadow of death, how soon Lord; come quickly Lord! Come, your bride wait patiently for you; your bride’s heart is breaking, desiring to be with you.
We know that we are the Bride when our hearts cries for the bridegroom, when we begin our days with Him, longing to ever be with him for all eternity.

 

I know you see my tears Lord, the tears of the Bride; I know you hear the cries and pleas of the Bride; I know you see the desires of our heart towards you, you know all things; you see the Heart of the Bride, you know her pain and her suffering; the bride knows your heart Lord, she knows that you hear her, that you see and feel her every desires and her every wish, she knows that you longed to be with her as much she longed to be with you.

 

I remember your words of love dear Lord; you said to me, “if you can only see yourself as I see you, as a little child, then you will know how much I love you”; I know you’ve felt the pain and anxiety of your little ones; I know you’ve suffered long for your little ones; I long to see myself as you see me, I tried to imagine, but your ways are so much higher than our ways, who can know the things of Almighty God, my Everlasting Father.

 

Who can hear the weeping and the mourning of the Bride?  Tell me who feels and knows her pain, who sees the tears of the Bride?   Only the Bride know her own pain and suffering; the groom sees all her tears, her tiredness, her weaknesses and her longings, He longed to gather her in His arms, even as she is longed to be held in His arms; the world cannot, will not understand the things of the Spirit; many lukewarm Christians will laugh and scorn, they will be quick to judge the bride because of her tender love sick state, because they don’t understand, they have not allowed themselves to be prepared for the wedding by Holy Spirit; they do not know the voice of the Bridegroom, and therefore they are not part of the bridal party; and there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

 

Are you ready to love Him/Lord with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind, for eternity?

Are you ready to obey him for all eternity?

Are you ready to spend eternity with the Lord?

Are you ready to be trained and be taught by him for all eternity?

Are you ready to be one with Him for ever and ever for all eternity?

 

I was asked the above questions by Holy Spirit one morning as I felt incredible love for my beloved in my soul; and as I said, Lord I felt such incredible love for you I don’t know what to do with myself; during that time I was taken out of time and into eternity;

 

The answer to the above questions for me was and still is a resounding YES, YES, YES Lord, I will love you forever for all eternity!

 

Are you ready to love your beloved, Yahshua for ever and ever for all eternity?

If you are not ready to deny yourself, your flesh, your thoughts and your will; if you are not ready to deny the world and everyone’s ways that you might embrace our Lord, Yahshua’s ways and His will, then you are not ready to love Him forever for all eternity, and therefore you are not the bride of Christ, because you have not made your heart ready to receive your beloved;

Matthews 22: ³⁶Master, which is the great commandment in the law?  ³⁷Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.  ³⁸This is the first and great commandment.

The heart of the Bride of Christ is hidden in Christ, her heart belong to Him, she is in love with her Beloved.

I host a blog talk radio; log on to listen to previous messages from the Lord, also see my upcomming shows; you can call in when the show is airing live and give your testimony, make a comment or just listen. Log onto:  http://www.blogtalkradio.com/peace333:  Call-in Number: (646) 381-4610 http://www.blogtalkradio.com/peace333

 

By Joan Matthew, Servant and Warrior of the Most High God Yahweh.

 

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