Archive for May, 2010

I am so so far beyond mad today. Im ready to throw my hands up in the air and give up. My fiancee does not smoke but he got his hands on some oil so now ive discovered hes been taking all my smokes without asking. I went to get one today and there are only 3 left from a whole pack and their covered in the shit. Not only are they covered but my case is covered too and now my hands stink and I can’t get rid of the smell. I then came in from the garage to catch him going through my purse! I know were engaged but does that give him right????

And my dog just had major surgery all thanks to him! Hes going around telling everyone it was an accident and inside I am cringing absolutly cringing… While now I cant leave my dogs side (dont get me wrong Im stuck like glue to my dog and wouldnt want it any other way right now) but how fair is it that while Im stuck on the floor at night making sure the dog dosent get up to try and walk around, gets his medicine and gets carried outside to go to the bathroom – my fiancee is sleeping upstairs in a nice cozy bed! And then when I ask him to watch the dog so just maybe I can get an hr of sleep in he says no and starts calling me all the names in the book and leaves. Nice contradiction huh? He did this to my dog and now my dog and I am paying the price while hes out having a good ole time with his friends getting baked or w/e.

Mad – im livid. And for once I shoudl be able to get mad about it without geting a temper tantrum full of holes in the wall, screaming and stuff being thrown back. I should be able to just get mad at him and have him take it for a change.

 And omg the vet bill! Lets just say there went all the savings I put away for a summer vacation and next months rent etc. I have a job interview monday and I better get it cause holly hell my fiancee diecided to quit his job with no back up plan!

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The Crystal Sea  

2004; I dreamt I saw a man in white gown running through a field, another man was following him, but seemed to have difficulty catching up; the man following seemed tired and would stop to catch his breath at times.  The man in white gown would occasionally wait for the other man to catch up to him, because the man would occasionally fall and slow down and would stop to remove briers, thorns and thistles out of his way.  When they came to the part where they had to walk through fire (to get to the other side) the man following was hesitant to go through the fire, while the man in white had already gone though; the man in white motioned for him to come, which he did.  The man in white arrived at a beautiful calm sea, when he stepped on the water the entire sea solidified, it turned to Crystal like Glass; the man in long white gown walked toward what seemed to me like an alter overlooking another sea which was all liquid.  The man who was following finally arrived at the crystal sea, he fell a couple of times but picked himself up and continued towards the man in white who was standing on the Crystal Sea; I stood and watch the whole scene played out before me; in my dream I knew this place is called the Crystal Sea.   When I awoke I knew where I’ve been, I knew what and where this place is.  ‘I knew this place is called the CRYSTAL SEA which is before the throne of God.’

Rev. 15: 2  2 And I saw as it were a sea of glass mingled with fire, and them that had gotten the victory over the beast, and over his image, and over his mark, and over the number of his name, stand on the sea of glass, having the harps of God.

Rev. 4: 6  6 And before the throne there was a sea of glass like unto crystal: and in the midst of the throne, and round about the throne, were four beasts full of eyes before and behind.

Father showed me the man in white is Yahshua (Jesus) and the man trying to keep up is me (us); we are in the field (world) trying to find our way back to God; running through the obstacles of this life’s thorns and thistles, and even thought we (saints) may fall occasionally, Yahshua is always with us; He is waiting, watching and encouraging us to keep our eyes on Him and to follow him wherever He goes; He will never leave us nor forsake us; see, how He is so long-suffering, how He patiently waits for us to pick ourselves up when we fall; and when we stop to rest from the toil and troubles of our lives, He waits and calls us to come follow after him/word.  The Crystal Sea is the Sea of Glass spoken of in Revelation where the Saints who had gotten the victory over the Beast and over his image, and over his mark, and over the number of his name, stand on the sea of glass, having the harps of God.  (These are the over comers who has the Faith of Yahshua).

Saints the time is now! These are serious times we are living in; Fathers wants me to tell you to prepare your hearts for His coming and for the coming tribulation; look up, your redemption draws near for them that love Him and keep His commandments;May 19, 2010:

Father brought back to my remembrance this dream, He revealed to me that we are about to go through our last and final test/trial; we are about to go though the fires of tribulation, the trial of our FAITH will be proven; our FAITH in Yah is about to be tested, many will fail, they will not endure because of their lack of faith in Yahshua; some will emerge on the other side tried as pure gold, others will emerge hardened as beautiful diamonds, yet others will emerged as ruby, pearls and all the other precious stones of beauty; Revelation 14: ¹¹And the smoke of their torment ascended up for ever and ever: and they have no rest day nor night, who worship the beast and his image, and whosoever received the mark of his name.

   ¹²Here is the patience of the saints: here are they that keep the commandments of God, and the FAITH of Jesus.  (We must have the Faith of Yahshua/Jesus in order to be saved, the same Faith Yahshua has of His Father).

1 Peter 1:7, That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perished, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honor and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ.

Father showed me that the end of time is here, He said, the days of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego is here; prepare to go through the fire of tribulation, our FAITH will be tried like never before; He said remember to keep your eyes on me (like in my dream), He said for I will go before you, I will never leave you nor forsake you; I will be in the fire with you; those of us with absolute FAITH/BELIEF in Yahshua will go through the tribulation/testing but we will emerge victorious, we will find ourselves standing with our Lord on the CRYSTAL SEA which is before the throne of God.

Folks read Revelation 4, 14 & 15 comparing them with Daniel chapter 2&3, I will not go into fine details because this can be dozens of pages long if I explain verse by verse; Father wants us to know that the day of these events are here, He wants us to prepare our minds, heart, soul and body for what is coming; many I say will be imprisoned, like the tree Hebrew men for their Faith in me, said the Lord; we will have to face the fires of trials according our FAITH in Yahshua; BELIEVE on Ha Shem Yahshua (Lord Jesus) and you shall be saved.

The kingdoms of this world is about to become the kingdoms of our God and of His Christ; when I asked Father, what shall I pray for, He told me, pray for the destruction of the kings and kingdoms of this world; pray for His Kingdom to come on Earth as it is in Heaven; for it is His Kingdom, His Power and His Glory that will last for ever; did not I tell how to pray, said the Lord; Our Father which are in Heaven, Hollowed be thy name…, now you finish saying of our Lord’s prayer.  His Kingdom must come on Earth as it is in Heaven, but the kingdoms and kings of this world must first be destroyed, read the books of Daniel & Revelation.

Saints of the Most High God, prepare yourselves to reject the mark of the Beast; prepare yourselves to stand up against the gods of this world and their decree that you must bow down and worship the image of the BEAST SYSTEM that has been implemented to get you to serve another god.

Daniel 3:11: And whoso falleth not down and worshippeth, that he should be cast into the midst of a burning fiery furnace.

Daniel 3:15: Now if ye be ready that at what time ye hear the sound of the cornet, flute, harp, sackbut, psaltery, and dulcimer, and all kinds of musick, ye fall down and worship the image which I have made; well: but if ye worship not, ye shall be cast the same hour into the midst of a burning fiery furnace; and who is that God that shall deliver you out of my hands?   (Today we have all kind of music bursting through the airwaves, internet & television, many of them demonic; for many artists and listeners are indeed bowing down to the image of the BEAST at the sound of all kind of music).

Daniel 3:17: If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king.  (We must have the Faith of Yahshua in order for us to endure what is coming).

Daniel 3:19: Then was Nebuchadnezzar full of fury, and the form of his visage was changed against Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: therefore he spake, and commanded that they should heat the furnace one seven times more than it was wont to be heated.  (The tribulation is about to heat up 7 times worst than it is by the Beast systems of this world; prepare yourselves by strengthening your Faith in Yahshua, for it is by His Faith you shall walk through the fires of your trials and not be harmed, for the Lord your God whom you serve is able to deliver you from the fiery trials that is coming upon all men)..

Daniel 3:20: And he commanded the most mighty men that were in his army to bind Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, and to cast them into the burning fiery furnace.

21: Then these men were bound in their coats, their hosen, and their hats, and their other garments and were cast into the midst of the burning fiery furnace.

22: Therefore because the king’s commandment was urgent, and the furnace exceeding hot, the flames of the fire slew those men that took up Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.

24: Then Nebuchadnezzar the king was astonished, and rose up in haste, and spoke, and said unto his counselors, did not we cast three men bound into the midst of the fire?  They answered and said unto the king, True, O king.

25: He answered and said, Lo, I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire, and they have no hurt; and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God.

23: And these three men, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, fell down bound into the midst of the burning fiery furnace.

Daniel 3:26: Then Nebuchadnezzar came near to the mouth of the burning fiery furnace, and spake, and said, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, ye servants of the most high God, come forth, and come hither. Then Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, came forth of the midst of the fire.

See, how the three Hebrew men’s Faith in that their God whom they serve were able to deliver them from the fiery furnace; their Faith were justified by the mighty works that God did indeed save them; for thus said the Lord, Faith without works seen is hope lost; we must keep our eyes on our Lord, follow His Word wherever He leads us; even when in doubt of the outcome of our Faith, we must still trust in His Holy & True word, that He is able; He is the Way, the Truth and the Life; He will lead us to way to the Father; He will lead us to the Crystal Sea, which is before the Throne of God.

James 2:17: Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone.   vs. 20, but wilt thou know, O vain man, that faith without works is dead?  Vs. 26, for as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also.

Once again I say, this message is sent to you from our Lord, the day of reckoning is come; prepare your hearts, soul and mind to go through the tribulation that is upon us; the tribulation will soon be heated up 7 times hotter like in the day of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego; we will have to go through the fires of the tribulation, the trial of our FAITH is imminent; is your FAITH anchored in Yahshua?  Are your desires towards Him?  Only the faithful in Yahshua will walk through the fires and not be burned, because Yahshua in within them, and them in Him.

Joan Matthews, Servant and Warrior of the Most High God, Yahweh.
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Feeling good despite messy circumstances. I am trying to control my anger and have positive confrontations. I figure it would be more effective & respectful to myself/others than cussing them out. 

I’m angry at a couple in their 40′s from my dad’s church for these reasons:

1. their disrespect toward my parents
2. they b**** at my parents about me, instead of talking directly with me
3. suddenly become perky/happy/nice in front of others
4. "You should kick your daughter and wife out of your house."
5. "You should spank your daughter if she doesnt come to church."

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I swear I’m not depressed / angry all the time. It’s just that I tend to blog when I need to let off steam, so I come across as constantly pissed off at the world, haha. My friends and mentors look at me & say "You look SO much happier now that youve moved out and got a move on." And I am. I love my friends, new job, new goals, new apartment, etc. 

But tonight, I need to let off steam about the b****s from dad’s church. I quit attending so a couple from church is being RUDE to my parents saying, "your daughter doesnt come no more, you cant manage your own family, you fake pastor" etc and he might get fired… on top of that, "if your daughter doesnt listen, kick her out of your house. if your wife doenst listen, kick her out too." – the F***?! First of all, Im already moved out but thanks for your thoughtful consideration b****. Secondly, who are YOU to recommend divorce to my parents. Can i recommend some f***in rehab for you. 

I hope you guys DO fire my dad… or better yet, I hope he quits cuz he doesnt need no s***heads like you. What they expect is a PERFECT pastor with the PERFECT quintessential wife with the PERFECT angelic daughters. GUESS WHAT, we’re human = IMPERFECT. If youre not perfect yoruself, how can you demand perfection? Or if youre so damn perfect, why dont YOU start a perfect church w/ your perfect selves? Now, there’s an idea!

If you have a problem with ME quitting your d*** church, dont b**** at my parents, grow some balls and talk to ME and say it to MY FACE, you f***ing cowards. It’s funny how I have to find out accidentally that YOU have a problem with ME, but I’M the one whos going to call YOU to discuss what YOUR problem with ME is. 

I’m going to call you tmrw so we can chat over coffee. I’ll try my best not to verbally slam you, even tho you deserve it. You obviously have a problem with me, so that will be your chance to say it to my face. Your in your 40′s, dont be such a chicken, grow up and tell me whats up. If we dont see eye to eye (we most likely wont), then I will kindly ask you to leave my dads church and stay out cuz we dont need/want fake-@$$ s***heads like you. 

You guys were the closest to my parents, so you noticed our flaws over time & youre using that against us to prove that we’re not perfect. wowwww, what a great discovery! you realized that we’re not perfect! wow, that must’ve been some hardcore ROCKET SCIENCE, you deserve a medal for that s***, CONGRATULATIONS.

See you tomorrow. 

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I feel like such crap right now. The tears wont stop coming and I dont know why. I want to be loved so bad. Like I know Im loved but I crave that deep passionate eye sparkling type of love. The type of love strangers can see in a couple and be jealous of. Sometimes it is great but lately I feel like a kid being told to hush up in public. Or if I were still living at home as my dad would say "I treated you that way because you needed to be reminded of your place and put in it." Ughhhh Im having such difficulty dissifering if these are feelings Im actually getting from my fiancees doing or if its repression from my past coming out and Im associating it to him. Im so everything right now – happy, sad, angry, etc I just want to scream. I want to scream and run till it is impossible to do such any longer. I want to have a complete utter screaming, crying, kicking type of a melt down and have my fiancee hold me tight while I do it and tell me its okay. I want to have that breaking moment when I let go of what bounds me inside and feel completly comfortable, peaceful and secure in his arms. I want love so badly. I can lay in bed crying because I want to feel its warmth. Its one thing to have an arm around you or to be hugged but its another to actually feel it meant. heres my moment of clarity: I deserve to feel loved and I shouldnt have to ask for it. I deserve to be chased instead of always doing the chasing. And if I decide to run I should be able to look behind me and see my fiancee coming right after me.

Wheather the moment of clarity were actually happen…thats another story.

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