Archive for June, 2010

I ended up seeing my ex-sister at my cousin’s graduation party. I was surprised at how smooth it went. On my way to the party, I prepared my defense moves w/ thoughts like "if she punches me, I will punch her back, if she _____ me, I will _____ her back, from now on shes not ever taking advantage of me" …. but I forgot how insecure, shy, and fake she is in public. I was socializing confidently with people while she was standing off to the side alone, quiet and shy, she didnt have the balls to approach or look at me, then she left about 10-min after I arrived! I was like damn who IS this girl?? So anyways, I didnt feel awkward at all. I had the upper hand and I had a great time. 

I have 2 best friends. I’m close w/ them and their families. Theyre the only positives I have in my life right now. 

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I ****ing hate you. I hate how you were the good quiet shy girl in public while being the psychotic insane crazy violent explosive nuke at home… and now that I hate you, people see me as the bad older sister and you as the shy quiet poor little victim of my rage. Good job. Nice strategy, you *****. I bailed out on michelle’s graduation party cuz youre gona be there and I think she’s mad at me. My other friend is annoyed w/ me cuz of my anger towards you. GOOD JOB, Im the bad guy now, I hope youre ****ing happy. Im never going to talk about you again cuz the anger that YOU stirred up in me ruins my friendships cuz people have no idea how an older sister can hate a younger sister so much… cuz they’ve never seen your true colors.

So here I go again, hiding my rage from the world, crying tears of hatred when I’m alone, hating you. I usually dont even think about you, only now when there’s a trigger (i.e. family event like funeral where I’m forced to see you).

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I was supposed to attend my cousins grad party tmrw but I cancelled cuz of the stress of seeing my ex-sister. I cried 3 times today in extreme pissed off mode until I couldnt take it anymore. So I offered to take my cousin out to dinner instead but she’s ignoring me. We’ll see. Noone understands my feelings toward my ex-sister. They all just think I’m over-reacting or mean cuz they’ve never seen a HINT of her true nature. They only see her giggly, timid, quiet, smiling, and shy… they’d never guess the psycho underneath that front. So i’m not going to vent about her to anyone. My parents are the only ones who understand but they like to ignore problems. So I just blog about it and keep my mouth shut about how much I hate her. 
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He who steals the word of the Prophet 

As I thought of a friend, I said within myself, this person has remembered everything I said of the revelations of the Lord and of the interpreting of scriptures and is spreading the word; immediately, the word of the Lord came to me saying, he who steals the word of another prophet and speak it as their own, saying the Lord said to me; he who speaks the word of another prophet deceiving others into believing they are receiving this revelation directly from the Lord, this person shall not be rewarded; for they have gone in my name saying the Lord said, and I have not spoken to this people, they have stolen my word one from another, deceiving themselves.

  

Just imagine doing hard work, with long hours of labor, pain, suffering and tribulation and eventually being credited or rewarded for the works you have done; you have been rewarded with the wisdom, knowledge and understanding of the word of God and have received revelations of the mysteries of God; if someone began sharing your rewards/revelation with others, taking credit for your works by using that which you have been given as payment for your hard work, they are not being honest with themselves and others; they are behaving in a way that caused others to believe that they themselves have personally been blessed with these spiritual gifts; they are living a lie, they are superficial, said the Lord; they have taken the honor for someone else’s work, while they themselves have not done the works of faith necessary, nor have they experienced the works of the Spirit within them, the works of transformation,.

 

I said within myself, Lord what about the people who have been blessed with the what these people say; this people will not be rewarded for this word because they have not done the works necessary that warrant the blessings, said the Lord; the prophet from whom the word was stolen will be blessed instead; had this people been honest in not honoring or bringing glory themselves he/she would be rewarded also; (by following the example of Yahshua and others, saying it is written, or thus said the prophet, or it had been said); and by keeping the commandments thou shall not lie, thou shall not covet.

 

They are not honest they have led others to believe they are someone other than who they really are. In so doing they are not genuine, but phony, making themselves out to be someone they are not; taking the credit for someone else’s hard work and longsuffering, becoming a liar and a thief; if you would seek me and spend time getting to know me, then would I reveal myself and my word to you, but you do glory in other prophets hard works; You will not be rewarded for your lies, because you have not done the works of faith necessary to acquire these gifts; you have not spend time seeking and searching out my ways, you have not spend time getting to know me; you have not desired to have these gifts, yet you stole my word from my servants the prophets and do lie, saying the Lord said, and I have not spoken to you, said the Lord.

 

No one can acquire the gifts of the Holy Spirit simply by using someone else’s reward, or by attending a religious school, or be taught by another man; you cannot buy the gifts of God, nor can you learn these gifts from another person; gifts such as apostleship, healing, teaching, tongues, prophecy, pasturing, priests, etc., these gifts are given to us by the Holy Spirit when we have a personal relationship with Yahshua; Holy Spirit tests, tries, chastens, molds, and fashions us, causing us to be worthy because through our Faith in Him; Father decides who is worthy that He might come and performs these works wonders by His Spirit in and through that us.

Acts 8:  ¹⁷Then laid they their hands on them, and they received the Holy Ghost.    ¹⁸And when Simon saw that through laying on of the apostles’ hands the Holy Ghost was given, he offered them money,    ¹⁹Saying, Give me also this power, that on whomsoever I lay hands, he may receive the Holy Ghost.    ²⁰But Peter said unto him, Thy money perish with thee, because thou hast thought that the gift of God may be purchased with money. (Folks, the gifts of God cannot be bought, Father does not care how many degrees you have, He care about your level of faith in Him, He desires to have a personal relationship with you; neither can you acquire the gifts of God by imitating another servant of Elohim).  ²¹Thou hast neither part nor lot in this matter: for thy heart is not right in the sight of God.    ²²Repent therefore of this thy wickedness, and pray God, if perhaps the thought of thine heart may be forgiven thee.    ²³For I perceive that thou art in the gall of bitterness, and in the bond of iniquity.    ²⁴Then answered Simon, and said, Pray ye to the LORD for me, that none of these things which ye have spoken come upon me.

 

Had they not been superficial in deceiving themselves and others into believing that they themselves had done the works necessary to receive these gifts of the Spirit, they would be rewarded for the works of obedience of not coveting someone else’s gifts or taking credit for someone else’s work, but they have lied by their actions, pretending to be someone they are not, said the Lord; they have taken the word of God lightly.

Please read the entire chapter of Jeremiah 23: ¹⁴I have seen also in the prophets of Jerusalem a horrible thing: they commit adultery, and walk in lies: they strengthen also the hands of evildoers, that none doth return from his wickedness; they are all of them unto me as Sodom, and the inhabitants thereof as Gomorrah.

   ¹⁵Therefore thus saith the LORD of hosts concerning the prophets; Behold, I will feed them with wormwood, and make them drink the water of gall: for from the prophets of Jerusalem is profaneness gone forth into all the land.    ¹⁶Thus saith the LORD of hosts, Hearken not unto the words of the prophets that prophesy unto you: they make you vain: they speak a vision of their own heart, and not out of the mouth of the LORD.    ¹⁷They say still unto them that despise me, The LORD hath said, ye shall have peace; and they say unto every one that walked after the imagination of his own heart, No evil shall come upon you.    ¹⁸For who hath stood in the counsel of the LORD, and hath perceived and heard his word?  Who hath marked his word, and heard it?    ¹⁹Behold, a whirlwind of the LORD is gone forth in fury, even a grievous whirlwind: it shall fall grievously upon the head of the wicked.    ²⁰The anger of the LORD shall not return, until he has executed, and till he has performed the thoughts of his heart: in the latter days ye shall consider it perfectly.    ²¹I have not sent these prophets, yet they ran: I have not spoken to them, yet they prophesied.    ²²But if they had stood in my counsel, and had caused my people to hear my words, then they should have turned them from their evil way, and from the evil of their doings.  (if you are guilty of this sin, know that you will not be blessed, nor would you be trusted with the things of the Lord; you are not pleasing the Lord, you are hurting your own self; confess and repent of this grave sin, ask the Lord to search your heart for any wicked ways;, he will help you to overcome your weaknesses; He is not willing that any should perish, but that all me come to repentance; Father sees the heart of all man, your are living a delusion and a lie).    ²³Am I a God at hand, saith the LORD, and not a God afar off?    ²⁴Can any hide himself in secret places that I shall not see him? saith the LORD. Do not I fill heaven and earth? saith the LORD.    ²⁵I have heard what the prophets said, that prophesy lies in my name, saying, I have dreamed, I have dreamed.    ²⁶How long shall this be in the heart of the prophets that prophesy lies? yea, they are prophets of the deceit of their own heart;    ²⁷Which think to cause my people to forget my name by their dreams which they tell every man to his neighbour, as their fathers have forgotten my name for Baal.    ²⁸The prophet that hath a dream, let him tell a dream; and he that hath my word, let him speak my word faithfully. What is the chaff to the wheat? saith the LORD.    ²⁹Is not my word like as a fire? saith the LORD; and like a hammer that breaketh the rock in pieces?    ³⁰Therefore, behold, I am against the prophets, saith the LORD, that steal my words every one from his neighbor.    ³¹Behold, I am against the prophets, saith the LORD, that use their tongues, and say, He saith.

   ³²Behold, I am against them that prophesy false dreams, saith the LORD, and do tell them, and cause my people to err by their lies, and by their lightness; yet I sent them not, nor commanded them: therefore they shall not profit this people at all, saith the LORD.

Wow, what a just God He is!  He sees into the hearts and minds of men; we will be rewarded and judged according to our works, by His faith in us and our faith in Him, and not according to the works done by others; can a person take credit for what is written in the Bible by the prophets and servants of God?  We must have our own testimony/ testament of what Yahshua has done and is doing in us; we must not glory from another’s work; dishonesty is a lie; if you have no works of righteousness, because you have not done the works necessary, then you would be judge according the life you live; Revelation 20:13, And the sea gave up the dead which were in it; and death and hell delivered up the dead which were in them: and they were judged every man according to their works.

 

Stealing the word of God from another prophet is as taking the credit for someone else’s research and hard work and being honored by man for it, but God will not honor you; you have not been taught by Holy Spirit, nor are you qualified for the job.  Father is saying, spend time getting to know him, seek for his wisdom, knowledge and understanding; allow Him to lead and direct you and in all your ways acknowledge Him.

 

Many of you have good intentions, but your good intentions are not the will of God, nor is it righteousness; turn from doing your own thing outside of the will of God, and do lie saying the Lord said, but the Lord had not spoken to you; spend time getting to know the Lord, allow yourself to be known of Him; many shall say on that day, Lord I did this or I did that in your name, He will say to you, depart from me I know you not.

 

The truth of the Word means very little to you who steal the word of the prophet; you have not experienced the growth necessary to bear the fruits of the works of faith wrought through my servants and prophet by my Spirit, said the Lord; you are doing the same as them before you, repeating scriptures, repeating the testimony of others, but you do not understand nor have you experienced the word; did you know that the words Old Testament and New Testament came from the testimonies of prophets, teachers, apostles and such; their testimony is a testament of what the Lord has done, in them, for them and through them, for His Glory; each of us must have our own testimony, a Testament of what He is doing in and through us. 

 

Each one have been given their own gift, but you have hidden it and have coveted the gifts of others, said the Lord; you will not profit me, because you have done your own thing, I will require that which I have given you, with gain/interest, said the Lord; read Matthew 25, the parable of the talent, His will be done on earth as it is in Heaven; many think they can go about doing whatever they please, it feels right because they do it in the name of our Lord, and it makes them feel good; but you do not seek the Lord for His direction and His leading; not our will, but His will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

 

Would you like for someone else to take credit for work you yourself had done; Father is a just God, He gave credit where credit is due; repent and turn from this lie, Father will forgave you; ask Him to help your infirmities, He is not willing that any should perish, He is long-suffering and patient; His grace and mercies will not be forever, there is a time for everything under Heaven, there is a beginning and an end to all things; repent I say and turn to your Lord, you have nothing go gain by stealing the word one from another.

 

Many have made feeble attempts to interpret the Word of God, mistaking it for revelation from God; to the spiritually untrained ears it sounds logical, but logics are not TRUTH; Elohim’s Word must be revealed to one’s mind by the Spirit of God, there is no private interpretation with the Word of God; many who reads this message WILL choose not to examine themselves, instead they will seek to accuse others of the same, even though they themselves are guilty of the sin of stealing the word of the prophet, and of erroneously interpreting the Word, being self-righteous and a hypocrite;

 

Folks this message is not to condemn you, because it is not our Lords will that any should perish, but that all might repent and turn from their sins; this word from our Lord is a word of rebuke and counsel to those He loves, He rebukes those whom He loves; we must earnestly contend for the Faith of Yahshua, this is why I am bringing this message of warning to you from our Lord; do not take the Word of Elohim lightly; for I am determined to contend with anyone for the righteous Word and Faith of Yahshua, His Spirit within me will not be swayed by any smooth talkers at all; are you willing to contend for the Faith of Yah, or are you one of those smooth talkers?

Who have ears to hear let him hear what the Spirit is saying in this the last day.

 

I host a blog talk show; log on to listen to previous messages from the Lord, also see my upcomming shows, you can call in when the show is airing live and give your testimony, make a comment or just listen.

 

Log onto:  http://www.blogtalkradio.com/peace333:  Call-in Number: (646) 381-4610

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Joan Matthews, Servant and Warrior of the Most High God Yahweh

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This is my last entry here. 

There’s no point in blogging on a recovery site when I dont even have potential or a goal towards recovery. Just want to say that I’ve enjoyed every single one of you ladies (tracey, krista, xantika, nicky, and if youre reading this, amy). I’ve appreciated your blogs, openness, comments, support, company, tc, thru my highs and lows for the past 3-ish yrs. You’ve eased my loneliness and sense of isolation in this struggle, so I thank you all for that. 

I’m sorry, I know this will be disappointing or maybe even triggering, but I need to come clean and be honest. Recovery isnt for me. It’s not that I dont want it, but I dont have the potential for it. And I’ve exhausted myself from endless and futile efforts. Every single second of my life is thoughts of food and calories and weight no matter how hard I try to stop. That’s been my life since as far back as I can remember. I dont know another way to live and, frankly, I’m okay with it now. Complacent and numb. I’m sticking with ED. I dont care anymore. For me, giving into ED is easier than fighting it. 

So this blog can be deleted. 

Good luck to all of you. 

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Woo hoo, I built my piano studio website this weekend! All I have left to do is find a building to rent on a weekly basis (I have one in mind, but need to contact the offices). It’s my first professional-ish website so I’m proud of it  

http://hyemi.musicteachershelper.com/home

Hoping for 7-10 more students by October. 

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