Archive for July, 2010

Ups

• I love people I work for (piano & nanny) – sometimes takes my mind off ED 
• I live on my own
• Upcoming Cali trip
• Gym membership
• Get along w/ parents & never see sister

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You must be born again (Saturday July 17, 2010)

As I meditated on Father, and on who I am and who He is; I felt like a grain of sand in this vast universe; I saw Father as He is, filling the entire universe; He is everywhere, He is in everything; I thought, where do I fit in Lord; what is my place in this grand design of yours; what do you require of me, Lord; how can I please such a BIG God; how can I honor you, you being so wonderfully great and mighty and powerful; full of wisdom and knowledge and understanding; full of love and longsuffering and mercies and grace; how can I please such a God; I am lonely, I am weary, I am longing to be back where I came from; I said Lord, who am I?  What is my beginning and what is my end?  Where did I come from and where I am I going; I reached my hands towards the heavens and felt as though I’ve touched the depths of Heaven; and for the first time in my life I felt a oneness with the universe and with Father; I know(ledge) I belong and that I am a part of this grand design; I know that I am a piece of the puzzle that jointly fit into this vast universe and that the universe will be incomplete without me; I know that I am a part of Elohim, because He is all there is and there is a special place carved out in His Heart for me, the place where He took me from, a place that no one else can fill; a place where I long to be; a place being prepared by my savior just for me; as tears and pain filled my soul, I reached towards the heavens and I felt a oneness with God; I know that I live in Him (in His knowledge) and He lives in me (I am known of Him), because the universe is God and God is the universe; He has filled me with His Knowledge and I am known of Him, and with His understanding and I understood from whence I came and where I am going; He has given me His Wisdom, the LIGHT within me that shows me the WAY to LIFE in Him;  Deuteronomy 10:14 Behold, the heaven and the heaven of heavens is the LORD’s thy God, the earth also, with all that therein is. Psalm 24:1 The earth is the LORD’s, and the fullness thereof; the world, and they that dwell therein.

What does it mean to be born again?
As I thought on the many who say they are born again, Father opened my understanding to what it means to be born again.
When a person received Yahshua as Lord and Savior of their lives they are not instantly born again as believed; to be born again means we have conceived, or have conception of the Seed of righteousness; to conceive is to believe, accept and receive the precious gift of God who is Yahshua our Lord and Savior.

When a woman is conceived or becomes pregnant the baby must stay in the womb of the mother until it is fully matured before it can be born into the world; the mother must keep herself healthy and eat nourishing foods that the baby might grow strong and healthy in the womb to maturity.

So it is when we received/believed Christ, we become pregnant or are conceived with the seed/word of Life; our flesh body is likened unto the egg, and our soul or heart/mind is likened unto the womb/yolk where the knowledge/germ/word/life of God lives and where the seed of God which is the man Christ is planted in our hearts/womb; we must then submit our bodies to Father, allowing Him by His Holy Spirit to nourish the seed (man child) growing within us; John 7:38 He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water ³⁹(But this spake he of the Spirit, which they that believe on him should receive); we are nourished by the Holy Spirit, who continues to feed us with the bread of Life; He continues to clean, prune and feed us until we are fully grown within this body/egg in the womb/yolk or invisible soul; you must remember, we are made in the image and likeness of our Father; Elohim is Spirit and so are we; Elohim is invisible and so are we; we live in an earthen body; the person who lives inside of you is spirit and is invisible, no one have ever seen the real you (the soul) who lives inside your flesh body; Ezekiel 18:20 The soul that sinneth, it shall die; therefore when a person (soul) accepts Yahshua as their Lord, Savior and Life, they accept Him as the life of their soul.

2 Corinthians 5 ¹For we know that if our earthly house of this tabernacle (flesh body) were dissolved, we have a building (spirit body) of God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.  (When we are born again of the Spirit, we will shed this earthly body & put on immortality).

   ²For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed upon with our house (Spirit bodies) which is from heaven:  (this will happen when we are born again the Spirit).    ³If so be that being clothed we shall not be found naked (ashamed).

   ⁴For we that are in this tabernacle (body) do groan, being burdened: not for that we would be unclothed, but clothed upon, that mortality might be swallowed up of life.

In the womb the baby’s life is supported surrounded by water and the baby cannot breath on its own; When the child is grown to full term in the womb, the baby is birthed or pushed out into the world; the child, knowing nothing and helpless will continue to depend on the parents for further protection, nourishment, training and upbringing in order that the child might learn to perform on its own; the child is born when the water is broken and the baby is birthed from the womb into the world; the baby then takes its first breath of life on its own when it is born and does not depend on the mother to breath anymore; but still needs the mother for further protection, nourishment, growth and development if it must survive in its new world.

Revelation 12   ¹And there appeared a great wonder in heaven; a woman (Bride) clothed with the sun (glory of the son of God), and the moon under her feet, and upon her head a crown of twelve stars:    ²And she being with child (Christ being formed in us) cried, travailing in birth, and pained to be delivered (to be delivered of the flesh, to be birthed as Spirit beings). Revelation 12:4 And his (Satan) tail drew the third part of the stars (angels) of heaven, and did cast them to the earth: and the dragon stood before the woman (Bride) which was ready to be delivered (from the flesh being born again of the Spirit), for to devour her child as soon as it was born.  (When a baby is born it is helpless, and needs the protection of the parents; so it will be when we are born again, we will be protected by our Lord and Savior Yahshua; we being born again of the Spirit will also give birth to His coming in the Heavens to meet His new Spirit bride).

So it is when we are born again of the Spirit of Elohim; right now those of us who have received/believed Yahshua (righteous seed of God), we are conceived with the man child in the womb of our heart/soul who is growing within us; we are in the womb/soul of our flesh body being able to live by the water (Holy Spirit) of life bubbling up inside of us, keeping the man child safe within the womb of our hearts; when the man child (Christ) is fully formed in us, we are ready to be born again of water and of the Spirit of God; we will be born into the Kingdom of God, being born again as Spirit beings, and having shed this physical body, even as a baby is birth into the world having left the body of its mother and is born into the physical world; and even as a little child is born knowing nothing, so it will be when we are born again of the Spirit, we will become as little children before a holy, all knowing and wise God; we will be taught of Him, and will grow up before him as little children for a thousand years with Christ; Matthew 18:3 And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted (from flesh to Spirit), and become as little children (born again as a child & knowing nothing), ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

 John 3: ³Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.  (right now we are in the stages of growing in Christ, as spirit being, we are not yet born of the spirit, we must grow to maturity in His Spirit and in His Truth (Yahshua is the Truth).   ⁵Jesus answered, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God.

   ⁶That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit.  (See here, He that is born of Spirit is Spirit, so it is when we are born again of the Spirit; we will be spirit being, even as our Heavenly Father is Spirit; but for now we are still growing as a fetus in the womb of our Hearts, pained to be birth as manifested sons of God).

Did you know that the adult body is made up of 70% water; at birth, water accounts for approximately 80 % of an infant’s body weight; when we are matured spiritually we will be born again of the spirit, we will be changed in a moment in the twinkling of an eye; we will shed this body which is made up of water much the same way a baby is expelled from the waters in its mothers body; the water which represents the Holy Spirit who sustains us while in the flesh; we will leave the home/flesh and womb/soul of this world and enter into the Kingdom of God as spirit beings, being born again of water and of the Spirit; we will have no need for oxygen/breath of life, we will have the Spirit of Life as our own life being made one in Him; even as the germ of an egg is fertilized by the seed of the male, which began a transformation or change, becoming a new creature, becoming one whole; so it is when we are born again of the Spirit, Him in us and us in Him being merged together as ONE; even as the germ of an egg is merged together as one whole with the sperm or seed of the man becoming ONE new creation, being born of the Spirit, having one mind and one Spirit; ⁵Jesus answered, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God; we will be born of the Spirit, having the Spirit of life in us and taking our first step as eternal beings, born into the Kingdom of God; we will have the Spirit of God as our own soul/life; the Spirit will be in us and us in Him, being born again of the Spirit, having shed or separated from the physical body, free to walk as spirit beings, as Yahshua is so are we; ⁶That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit.   (When we are born again we will be spirit beings, right now we are still growing as spirit beings in the soul of our physical body).

Romans 8:23 And not only they, but ourselves also, which have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting for the adoption, to wit, the redemption of our body.  (Even now I (Spirit child growing within my soul) groan, waiting to shed this body to be born again of the Spirit).

But this is the beginning of our spiritual journey back to Father; when a child is born into this world he/she is unable to care for itself; the child must grow to maturity in its new world away from the mother’s womb; the child must learn obedience and love; he must learn to speak and walk, discerning right from wrong; he must eat the right foods and be brought up in a safe and loving home.

Revelation 12   ¹And there appeared a great wonder in heaven; a woman (Bride) clothed with the sun (glory of the son of God), and the moon under her feet, and upon her head a crown of twelve stars:    ²And she being with child (Christ being formed in us) cried, travailing in birth, and pained to be delivered (to be delivered of the flesh, to be birthed as Spirit beings). Revelation 12:4 And his (Satan) tail drew the third part of the stars (angels) of heaven, and did cast them to the earth: and the dragon stood before the woman (Bride) which was ready to be delivered (from the flesh, being born again of the Spirit), for to devour her child as soon as it was born.

So it is when we are born again of the Spirit into the Kingdom our God; we will be Spirit beings just like our Savior and Father Yahshua; we will be in our new home & new Heavenly bodies in the Kingdom of Heaven, New Jerusalem which will come down from Heaven; our parent and teacher, Lord and Savior Yahshua will continue to nourish us; we will learn to walk and talk like Him as Spirit beings; Matthew 18:3 And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted (from flesh to Spirit), and become as little children (born again as a child & knowing nothing), ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. He will teach us and we will learn of Him for a thousand years (one day which is the 7^th day Sabbath). We will grow up at His Holy feet, even as a little child grows up at its parent feet, ever learning of Him until we are fully grown spirit beings; this growing up will be within the one thousand years which is the 7^th day Sabbath of rest and learning with our Lord; then heaven and earth will pass away, behold all things will become new; we will have the mind of Christ and not our own mind; we will have his thoughts, His will and His Spirit; we will be made one with Him, Him in us and us in Him, being of one mind and one Spirit and one thought.

the Circle of Life will be make whole again; there will be no more sin, no death, no disobedience, no uncertainties, no struggles; we will be back in the Heart of God, the place where we were take from, before the foundation of the World; and so eternity will continue with us in it, as it has been in Heaven; for we were taken from eternity and into time because of sin (eternity still continues with God); but when time is ended we will be back living in the eternal realm with our first love, the one and only Creator of all things, the Great I AM.

We must remember, when a baby is in the womb it cannot hear, see, eat or breath on its own, it can only sense sounds and vibrations and be nourished by the blood of its mother; in the womb the baby knows nothing, but basic survival.

So it is when we received/believe or are conceived with Christ the righteous seed of Yahweh; we are helpless, knowing nothing, we cannot see the things of the Spirit, nor hear the voice of the Spirit or feed ourselves with the things of the Spirit with our physical senses; but we can sense the presence of the Spirit, we can perceive his silent thoughts speaking to our soul/heart, and we are fed by the Spirit the things of God that we might grow in Him; we have the basic survival gift in each of us, which is the Light (Word); we cannot live without the spirit who sustains us physically and spiritually; only the individual person can see, hear and eat (spiritually) the things of God directly from the Spirit of God; it is a personal Spiritual growth each child of God must go through in order for us to grow to maturity in the womb/soul/heart, to be able to be born again of the Spirit; we live not by sight, we must live by Faith in Christ sustained by His Spirit, seeing through His eyes, and perceiving His silent thoughts through the Heart (Yahshua) of God.

A woman can miscarry her child because of various causes; so it is when we are conceived or the seed (word) of God is planted in our Hearts/soul (womb), we too can have a miscarriage of the word (seed) of God; read the parable of the sewer in Matthew chap. 13 which speaks of them who miscarried; the wicked one and the cares of the world can cause one to miscarry the spirit child growing within them; a person can also carry a deformed baby and give birth to that same deformed baby; so it is with some spiritually, they believed that they have received Yahshua as Lord and Savior, but they are not living by the governing laws and commands of God necessary for a perfect and healthy growth of the spirit child growing within the heart/soul; they are not feeding from the tree of life and the living water; they are not hearing His voice, nor are they seeing through the eyes of faith in Yahshua; they have a deformed or twisted version of the truth of God and therefore are carrying the seed of the wicked one (the seed of knowledge of good and evil); these people can repent and abort this deformed child and become pregnant or be conceived by the Word of God again, allowing the Holy Spirit to do His perfect will in your Hearts.

John 7:38 He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water ³⁹(But this spake he of the Spirit, which they that believe on him should receive; (You see, it is those of us who BELIEVES in Yahshua will receive the Spirit of God; this means, you must believe every word that proceeded out of the mouth of God and do them, including obeying the Holy Sabbath Day).  Many believes that they have Holy Spirit abiding in them, even though they continue to disobey (in disbelief) the Law and commands of the Most High; to disobey the Law of Elohim, is bluntly saying, I don’t believe you Lord, therefore you do not have the Spirit of Elohim in you.

Galatians 4:29 But as then he that was born after the flesh persecuted him that was born after the Spirit, even so it is now.  (And yes, even now many of us who are born after the Spirit are being persecuted by them who are born after the flesh; Everyone that is born after the Spirit is moved by the Spirit and the Spirit within bear witness in everyone who have the same Spirit of God in them, and there is no division among them).

Galatians 4:19 My little children, of whom I travail in birth again until Christ be formed in you. (Even now in this last time as Christ the man child is being formed us, we travail pained to give birth to His coming forth, and the coming forth of the Spirit sons of God).

July 20, 2010, just when I thought Father was done feeding me with the Word of Life, He was far from over; I was not prepared for the depth of revelation revealed to me about being born again of the spirit; God truly answers our deep and sincere prayers; when I ask Father where is my beginning and where does it ends; where do I fit in, in this vast universe; He showed me that I fit securely in His heart, for I was taken from that place in His Heart, even as Yahshua His son came from the bosom of Father’s Heart, He being pre-eminence of all things; this is what Father revealed to my heart.

Consider the egg, it is where reproduction of life begins in man (animals); Father showed me that a grain or seed is much the same as an egg, the only difference is, the grain/seed is solid and the egg is liquid; both need water to germinate and both need the sperm or seed of the male to quicken it to life; (We are like a seed/grain (spiritually) or an egg waiting to be quickened by the sperm/word/spirit of God, that we might be converted, becoming as spirit beings growing as one whole in Him).

Father showed me that we are like the egg; consider the different layers or parts of the egg and the different layers of man’s body, from the outer skin to the inner core; there is a place deep inside each of us called the yolk/womb, which is the heart/soul/mind where each Spirit child grows; we are this invisible wordless Being which is Spirit, that speaks through thoughts and not in audible words, much like our heavenly Father. 

Father likened man to an egg, for within the yolk/womb (heart of man) of the egg (man) is the germ or spark of Life, that piece of God that was taken from His Heart/bosom and placed in the souls of men; as in the egg, the germ or that spark/knowledge of God in us is waiting to be germinated or quickened to life by the seed/sperm, who is Yahshua; when we receive/conceive/believe Him in our hearts (womb) as Lord and Savior of our Lives, Holy Spirit then comes and nourishes the spiritual man child growing within us, until the fullness of time is come for us to give birth to the coming forth of the Spiritual sons of God; Luke 1:31 And, behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb (heart), and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name (Yahshua, which means Yahweh saves, or Yahweh is our salvation, the God who have saved mankind; the WORD who was made flesh is now the same WORD in us flesh beings, transforming us to be born again of the Spirit as Spirit beings); 

Father penetrates the souls of men with his Love who is Yahshua, the Word, bringing back to our remembrance the knowledge of God in each of us; I put before you life and death, good and evil said the Lord, choose life; you see, in each of us is the power to choose our own path, life or death; which when we choose life, we choose Yahshua who is the LIFE, transforming us in becoming like Christ, in all his attributes being of one mind and one Spirit, Him in us and us in Him.

The Holy Spirit is the water within the soul or hearts of man, He continues to nourish and sustain the new spirit life growing within the yolk/soul of men; it is needful for us to know that nothing good can come from the souls of men; except  that piece of the infinite Holy God, the true and righteous invisible Word of Life planted in the souls of men, that which when quickened by the inception of the seed of righteousness, who is Yahshua, brings God to live in us; Father put before us LIFE and death, we must choose LIFE in Him; 

Jeremiah 2:21 Yet I had planted thee a noble vine, wholly a right seed, how then art thou turned into the degenerate plant of a strange vine unto me?  (Father planted His righteousness, His seed or grain of Knowledge of Himself in the souls of men, but many have turned Him away and have rejected the Truth (Yahshua) of God; they have gone the way of the wicked one) 

Isaiah 10:14 And my hand hath found as a nest (eggs, mankind) the riches of the people: and as one gathereth eggs (man) that are left, have I gathered all the earth; and there was none that moved the wing, or opened the mouth, or peeped.  (There was none that moved the wing to soar the heavens, in search of Him, or opened their mouths to receive of Him the bread of Life, nor His wisdom, knowledge or understanding, or cry out to Him for help);

Genesis 25:23 And the LORD said unto her, Two nations are in thy womb, and two manner of people shall be separated from thy bowels; (indeed, there are two spirits in the hearts of men, one good and the other unrepentant or evil, which one do you love, which one have you chosen);

Job 31:15 Did not he that made me in the womb make him? and did not one fashion us in the womb?  (Indeed, even now, we are being remake and fashioned in the womb or soul of this flesh body, growing as Spiritual children).

Jeremiah 20:18 Wherefore came I forth out of the womb to see labor and sorrow, that my days should be consumed with shame?  (Even so it is, we shall come forth from the womb of our Hearts as spirit beings to live out our lives in peace and love in eternity).

Luke 1:42 And she spake out with a loud voice, and said, Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb.  (What is the fruit of your womb or soul/heart, is Yahshua growing in your hearts?).   

I host a blog talk radio; log on to listen to previous messages from the Lord, also see my upcomming shows, you can call in when the show is airing live and give your testimony, make a comment or just listen. 

Log onto:  http://www.blogtalkradio.com/peace333:  Call-in Number: (646) 381-4610 http://www.blogtalkradio.com/peace333

Joan Matthews, Servant and Warrior of the Most High God Yahweh

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[ My ED thoughts/behaviors are getting too triggering, hence probably inappropriate for this site, so I made a new blog here: http://starvedandhooked.wordpress.com/ ]

I made it thru yesterday without restricting or binging. I made it today until dinner when I had an urge for a korean restaurant. I ordered a spicy rice dish to satisfy my craving. I IMMEDIATELY felt guilty for eating spontaneously FOR craving purposes & all the carbs involved, so I threw in the towel, bought a carton of ice cream and b/p’ed at home. It seems like moderation always throws me in for a loop via guilt and anxiety. Seems like restricting is the only way to feel okay. 

I’m in a hip hop dance team. Or I was. I’m supposed to be at practice right now for an August performance. But since I b/p’ed, I wasnt feeling good, lacked energy, and was especially not in a social mood. So I told the person in charge that I’m bailing from the group & I’ll explain later in person. Now I’m trying to debate if I should tell her the truth of my bulimia or not.  

Also, the guy who likes me, who I email/text with almost daily, is starting to ask "yeah we’ll hangout ‘someday’ but when will i ever get to see u again huh??" I dont know how to respond. I wont reply until Ive figured out what to say. I definitely will not tell him about my bulimia. So I dont know what to say. I’ve avoided him in person for months cuz of my appearance. So I dont know what to say yet…

I’m trying to be 1/2 as positive as I was yesterday. It’s hard though. A b/p session ruins everything. B/p-ing gives me such a high & I have INSATIABLE, UNCONTROLLABLE, MAD cravings for it, I dont know how to stop. Restricting gives me an even higher high. 

I really miss my relatives (certain aunt & 2 uncles) in Korea. I think about them all the time. I’ve needed them so badly in my life but I only get to see them once in 3-5 years (and it costs like $800 for travel, etc). They know that I was in rehab (2007) and they know our family has our issues but they only know the vague picture. I know they love me, thats what they say, but part of me feels neglected and abandoned by them. I need them. I’ve always needed them. Theyre the most important people in my life that I live to impress. But I rarely get to talk to them. I dont know if its cuz they dont care or cuz they dont know how to approach me. When we do talk (once in 6-12 months), they say things like "I know ur family life is hard… you can confide in us… we’re thinking of you…. youre like our daughter… I love you." But its just hard to believe that when I rarely get to see them. I feel like they dont really care. I miss and need them a lot. I’m going to do everything I can to visit Korea this year. 

Anyways. I dont know. I’m just depressed right now, despite all the positivity I was feeling yesterday and even this morning. The positivity is kind of a hit or miss game. Usually a miss.  

My parents have no idea that my ED is still active. I cant tell them cuz they have enough stress already (financial, marital, physical, emotional). I cant burden them with me too. I’ve already put them in deeper debt with my rehab and counseling from 2007-2008. So I never show them any of my problems.

I wish there was just one person I could really talk to. My ex-therapist was perfect, but I cant dwell on that. He left the picture in 2008 without a word. 

I just feel like I have nothing/noone except ED. So I’m going to focus on my career & studying. Things will get better when career takes off. Money can buy happiness to a certain degree.  

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I’m doing better. I got my self-respect and confidence back after some introspective time alone. I realized that I sometimes (99% of the time) resign to the ED-identity so I can hide behind that excuse, that means I can be as sick as I want to be and its okay becuz that’s who I am. It was my subconscious fallback plan. 

But something shifted in me (again). It helped to realize why I clung to the ED identity. 

Another aha moment. I realized that I can lose weight without losing my sanity. I dont have to get obssessive and eating disordered while losing weight. Plenty of healthy-minded people diet until they hit their target weight and continue on with their lives. So that’s what I’m aiming for. I can learn to be "normal." 

Today’s eating is a little off because of a lunch potluck.

B: 2 small rice cakes (about 50 calories)
L: (potluck) noodles, 4 small rice cakes, 2 gyozas, 1 slice dessert bread
D: light frappaccino 

Most of my calories went into the potluck. I hate when my routine gets shaken up but its okay, its what weekends are for. I’m not going to be hung up on it. I’m also trying to get over all the carbs consumed.

I did some shopping today, felt really good. Got some hot party clothes from macy’s.  

I want to workout but I left my ipod & smartphone at friends, which means NO MUSIC. I dont know if I can workout w/o music, thats what keeps me going on the treadmill (plus a magazine). No music until tuesday…… ERGH. I dont know what I’m going to do about exercise today and tomorrow. Maybe I’ll just eat extra healthy tomorrow. No, I’m going to workout today and tomorrow with a magazine. No excuses. Plus, my gym plays music. So dont be trying to make excuses. 

My cousin bought me a plane ticket to LA for Oct 7-10, woo hoo!! I’m SO EXCITED! It motivates me to exercise/lose weight/buy hot clothes. But I promise to not get obssessive about it. I’ll at least try. I was a size small last year & now I’m a size medium. My goal is size small by Oct 7. 

I’m starting to get anxious about my weight and weight loss. I’m at barnes & noble so I will calm myself down here at my favorite place before hitting the gym.  

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I focus on getting thru one. single. day. at a time.  
That’s all I can manage for now.

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