Archive for September, 2010

I got back into WWU. My ideal path was Nutrition major @ Bastyr univ, but that would take 4 more years. If I go to WWU, that would take 2.5 more yrs. I cant afford to stay too long in school cuz my broke parents need my help asap. So I’m moving out and going to WWU in January. Got an advising appointment tomorrow. They dont have a Nutrition major there. They have an exercise/sports science degree and a psychology degree (which I would LOVE), but those dont lead to many lucrative jobs. Chemistry isnt my #1 choice but I do enjoy it, it’s also applicable to health/food, so I’m planning to major in chemistry and become a chemist. Starting salary is 40K or 50K and that would definitely help out my parents a lot. 

Cant wait! It’s been 3-yrs since I’ve attended WWU. Some anxiety attached cuz WWU was where my ED escalated in 2005, but I’ll blog about that later. I know this time will be different. I hope.

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Yeh…a detox sounds a great idea, much better than my restricting or eating anything plans….but do you think I can stick to it!!  uggghh

I know I need a healthy injection of something but so need to be able to stick to a routine of detox, or something!  Been trying for a week or so now and can start for day & then  I go back to my not eating all day & eating for dinner, only light but also usually during the night cos I can’t get to sleep till the early hours, & even then don’t really want to – weird I know but I seem to be frightened of sleeping!?

So…what happened to my ability to discipline, to control my eating & exercise like  before my journey to recovery??  Am so tired & feel so lazy & out of control…..is that what recovery looks like??????

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I know I sounded all calm and zen in my previous post… but I’m kind of freaking out today!

My trip to Cali is next thursday in 11 days for my cousins wedding. What’s making me anxious is that my ex is picking me up from the airport. It’ll be the first time seeing him since 2008 before I ignored him. I dont wana get back together or anything, but I still need to look good and be at my original/ideal weight. I’ve done some detox before so I’m starting a 10-day detox tomorrow to prepare for the trip. I’m not going anorexic or ED over this. It’s just a 10-day crash diet that also happens to be good for my system so I clean out the toxins too. Im gona fluctuate, 1day water fast, 1day fruit fast, 1day water, 1day fruit, etc, for 10-days. I’m actually REALLY anxious right now, so I need this detox. 

Whats going to be different this time in comparison to my ED days is that I also have bigger things to focus on, like studying, piano teaching, and a clear cut plan for my academic future. So I’ll keep myself busy with that.

Tonight, I’m going to enjoy and savor dinner becuz it’ll be my last real food for the next 10 days! 

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I freaking love school. I’m in chemistry and pre-calculus, and I cant stop studying. I’m currently spending my friday evening at starbucks doing my chemistry post-lab and pre-lab homework… which is a 180-degree change from my wild friday night party days in high school. All I think about from morning to night is my studies, plan to transfer to Bastyr University, and whether I should major in Nutrition or Acupuncture/Oriental Medicine (AOM). They have a 3.5-yr track where you can take a dual track to complete your Bachelors and Masters degree at the same time for AOM. I think Nutrition is my #1 ideal choice, but I’m leaning towards AOM because 1) you can earn MA degree in the same timeframe as Nutrition’s BA track, 2) AOM is more lucrative than Nutrition, 3) AOM is more wide scoped (migraines, depression, backaches, weight issues, etc), 4) and I can give free acupuncture treatments for my family! 

Anyways, the fact that I’m finally moving forward and am on my way to living out my dreams has truly nipped ED in the butt. I’ve been eating really healthy 95% of the time, I dont obssess over food cuz my studies/goals are constantly on my mind, and my passion for goals picks me up whenever I have a slip. Last night, I let myself eat a bowl of ramen noodles after a period of healthy eating. Before, I wouldve felt SUPER guilty and wouldve went on a extended binge trip or starved to compensate. But now that I have my studies/goals, the ramen noodles are absolutely meaningless cuz I’ve got more important and bigger things to focus on. 

I think that’s what was missing in my life until now. A purpose, passion, and hope for my future. Now that I have those things, I feel complete. 

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2 days until SCHOOL. I’m incrediblyyy stoked. Pre-calculus and chemistry! 1st step towards my Nutrition major. Lectures are Mon-Thurs 11:30-12:30, and lab is Thurs 9:30-11:20. GAH, cant wait. Such a nerd.

I’m doing good these days. No matter what goes on in life, family, etc, I make sure to take care of myself physically and mentally so that nothing can phase me. I look and dress my best. I eat healthy and detox occasionally to feel my best by eliminating toxins. I’m on my 11-day fruit/juice detox right now. I’ve got 3 new piano students and 2 pending new students. And things are just working out well for me.

Parents divorce is still up in the air. I’ve decided that I’ll help my parents to the best of my ability, but not to the point where it compromises my own sanity. That’s THEIR marriage and THEIR lives. I want the best for them but I cant force it on them. I’ve gotta live my own life first.

What else…

Oh yeah. Marriage. Originally, I wanted to wait until AFTER I finished school. Probably in 6-yrs when I’m 28. But, (and I know I will sound like a gold-digger) my parents have struggled for their entire lives financially. Our house was up for foreclosure in 2008, and now its up on shortsale. I can’t move out on my own becuz I need to help them pay their rent. It’s constant financial stress for them and some for myself too. Since I was in a long academic limbo (took a 3-yr break from school), my career wont be starting til 3-4 yrs later. My parents cant wait that long for real financial help. So. If I find a guy with great qualities + money… I’m willing to get married next year. I wanted more years being independent and doing my own thing, plus I’m kinda afraid/uncomfortable in relationships, I have a bad track record of choosing the wrong guys… but if I can find a GOOD guy and if it’ll be of any help for my parents, I’m willing to get married in 1-year. Which means I’m gona need to re-enter the dating scene pretty soon. I not gona force the process, and I’m not gona marry just anyone for money. He has to be well-rounded, social, has values, ambitious, and be able to help my parents out.

So thats been on my mind. I’m finally ready to make accomplish some big things in life: 1) finish school, 2) build piano studio, 3) find a quality guy, and 4) land a career as a nutritionist/dietitian. I’ve already started on the 1st two. I wonder when the third goal will come around.

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