Archive for September, 2010

I’m a big crybaby these days. I just cry out of nowhere throughout the day. At night, I cant sleep cuz of the anxiety so I sit on the couch for hours, just thinking and crying. Then I cover it up whenever I see people. 

Divorce is bittersweet. As much as I HATE HATE HATE divorce, I know they need it. We can’t live like this anymore. When i was a baby, mom would leave for days after a fight, so dad had to miss work and stay home with me. When i was a pre-teen, mom would leave for days and i’d sit by the window, looking for her car, crying and wondering if she left us for good. When i was a teen, mom would bawl hysterically in her room for months while dad did nothing and didnt care. I would wake up before my alarm clock to their screaming then walk to school crying. In college, I come home on the weekends only to see/hear them scream and fight throughout the night. It was so bad that a neighbor came over at midnight to see if we were okay. It happened on a regular basis. 

And still, our parents dont know the extent of how it affects us. How their actions/words TODAY affect us. I feel like I missed out on my childhood cuz of them. It was constant neverending chaos/tension in the house. We dont eat dinner together like other families do. We cant go on trips w/o a blowup like other families. I never saw my parents talk/laugh like other couples do. 

I dont know. Just all the memories are coming up as they go thru this process. We put our house up for sale last week. When it sells, mom/sister/I will move out and live together. I dont know what dad will do. But I’m gona have to give $$ to both of them with what I can. i’m getting new piano students so that will help.

I have to be there for them emotionally too. Listen to them and understand them (or at least pretend to) cuz they have noone else. I hate hearing their insults/hatred at each other but they need me to listen. I hate this whole process and I cant wait until its finalized. Cuz this sucks. 

I dont know why, but it makes me so emotional all day. Even when I’m out with people, I just want to go cry in the bathroom. I hate crying so often. I’m going to focus on studying for school and reading books, etc. I havent been able to sleep before 4am but I’m gona try to relax with good music and fall asleep earlier. 

Stress, stress, stress.

I just want this to be over, soon. 

Go to Source

Thanks Tracey for your words of encouragement, as always

There are ups and downs right now but I am doing much better. Lots of family drama and changes coming up, so lets see…

1) Sister and I are getting along now!! I’m actually at Starbucks with her as I’m typing. We got into a huge fight (verbal & physical) that forced us to get real/honest with each other. For the first time, we actually communicated and worked out our resentments. It’s amazing what effective communication can do.

2) Good/bad news. My parents both decided to divorce. Mom gave him a month notice to move out. We’re going to the real estate office tomorrow for a shortsale of the house. Then mom, sister, and I will live together. My dad will do his own thing.

Right now, I hate my dad. Sister hates him. Mom hates him. His church is disappointed in him. HE’S A FREAKING DUMB@$$, LAZY, IGNORANT, STUBBORN, PRIDEFUL IDIOT. I got along w/ him well cuz he has a cool fun personality. But underneath that personality, he has NO character, NO values, NO responsibility, NOTHING. He’s NOTHING. He’s the WORST husband. 0 out of 10. Well… he doesnt physically beat my mom, so I’ll give him that. 1 out of 10. I dont blame him for their marital problems, but I’m pissed about this: Mom was willing to try to make it work, she tried for years, she was willing to go to counseling, she WANTED to make it work. Dad? I begged him to go to counseling for 3 years which he absolutely refused, no effort from him, no desire from him, nothing. HE DOESNT GIVE A RIP. He’s the worst provider so mom has to work 2 jobs, morning to night, everyday, while dad does nothing everyday. Only works sat/sun as a dumb@$$ pastor. He’s angry that none of us helps him at church but… WHY THE HELL WOULD WE HELP HIM WHEN HE DOESNT DO SH** FOR THE FAMILY. We dont need to be rich, but AT LEAST make SOME effort to get along with mom. but NOTHING. So give me one reason why I would support him ……….. thats right, there’s no reason. He just says "Mom doesnt trust in God, if you trust God, he’ll provide." UMMM OKAY, can he just "TRUST IN GOD" and come up with $1000 in one week for my school tuition?? No, my mom and I are working for my tuition while he does NOTHING. I said "okay we’ll quit our jobs and just trust in God. You can come up with my tuition in a week by just TRUSTING GOD, right?" and he goes "well you cant test God like that." ……. LOL. dumb@$$.

So anyways, I wanted to support him and not take sides but I’m pissed that he put in NO EFFORT to work things out. So my sister and I will do everything to support my mom throughout this process, and my dad has "GOD" to help him and work EVERYTHING out for that lazy bum while he does NOTHING. So apparently, I wont have to worry about him cuz God will just throw money at him.

No wonder he has noone in his life. His kids (us) hate him, his soon to be ex-wife hates him, his siblings hate him, his church is finding out who he really is… ha. Good luck dad. Lets see where your faith takes ya in life, lol.

Part of me is sad though, cuz he’s my dad, despite his lack of character, he has a fun personality, and it’ll be sad to see him less. It’s sad that he’ll be alone. It’s sad that he thinks people hate him for no reason. It’s sad that he thinks he’s a poor innocent victim. I feel sorry for that pathetic loser. Not being sarcastic, I truly love him and I feel bad that he’s so blind and stupid.

Anyways, things with me mom and sister are great so I’m thankful that we can support each other. 

Go to Source

I HATE this.

Stuck in a relapse.
Cant get out.
Consumes me 24/7
from moment I wake up
to the moment I fall asleep
and every effing minute in between.

HATE THIS. 

I hate my pathetic existence right now. 

Go to Source

I’m doing a 14-day Master Cleanse with my sister.

I know, crash diets are bad, etc, but it’s for various reasons. #1 being that my cousin from Korea called asking me to be a tour guide for businessmen on Sept 22nd – theyre connected to my aunts and uncles. Which means, they’ll be taking pictures, I’ll be in them, and my relatives will see them. So I need to lose weight.

However, to keep my sanity this time and avoid the grips of ED, I will be smart this time. Back then, I had no goals or dreams. But I’m returning to school this month, I’m reading nourishing and fun books (like ‘Eat Pray Love’ and Harry Potter Goblet of Fire), my family and I are getting along GREAT, I’m much better at managing my stress, I’m proactive instead of constantly anxious about potential problems, and I am much more stable and happy than before. I’ve also been sick for the past 2 weeks, so this will help my health too. 

After the 14-days, I will be eating healthy in moderation like veggies, protein from fish and seafood, whole grains, and lots of korean soup.  

Anyways, I’m at the library typing up a reinstatment form for financial aid for school. My past has ruined my academic records and financial aid eligibility so I’m writing to appeal. I need financial help to finish my general requirement courses.

I’m also waiting to hear back from WWU… I hope they accept me again… 

Go to Source

I’m doing a 14-day Master Cleanse with my sister.

I know, crash diets are bad, etc, but it’s for various reasons. #1 being that my cousin from Korea called asking me to be a tour guide for businessmen on Sept 22nd – theyre connected to my aunts and uncles. Which means, they’ll be taking pictures, I’ll be in them, and my relatives will see them. So I need to lose weight.

However, to keep my sanity this time and avoid the grips of ED, I will be smart this time. Back then, I had no goals or dreams. But I’m returning to school this month, I’m reading nourishing and fun books (like ‘Eat Pray Love’ and Harry Potter Goblet of Fire), my family and I are getting along GREAT, I’m much better at managing my stress, I’m proactive instead of constantly anxious about potential problems, and I am much more stable and happy than before. I’ve also been sick for the past 2 weeks, so this will help my health too. 

After the 14-days, I will be eating healthy in moderation like veggies, protein from fish and seafood, whole grains, and lots of korean soup.  

Anyways, I’m at the library typing up a reinstatment form for financial aid for school. My past has ruined my academic records and financial aid eligibility so I’m writing to appeal. I need financial help to finish my general requirement courses.

I’m also waiting to hear back from WWU… I hope they accept me again… 

Go to Source