Archive for 2010

Currently grubbin’ on a quick dinner (berry coffee cake) @ starbucks during my CNA training break:

I know, a full-on carbohydrate dinner -_- But I’m too distracted by other interesting things to beat myself up over it right now. And by ‘interesting things,’ I mean:

• I will be HIV/AIDS certified by the end of tonight
• HIV-suffering guest speaker tonight
• A successful piano recital this morning & got a lot of praise
• Nursing assistant midterm is tomorrow
• 2 new textbooks (Biology & Nutrition), a new book (What to Eat), and a Nutrition Analysis program to look over before using it for school in 2 weeks! SO EXCITED.
• A fun korean drama that I’m watching during my down time.

Go to Source

I’ve progressed from being a full-blown eating disordered person to a functional eating disordered person.

I can be happy, proud, ecstatic, and driven (about school/career), while simultaneously have secret feelings of self-loathing, disgust, and depressed over this stupid eating disorder. 

Functionally eating disordered.

Still stressful. 

Go to Source

I had a semi-meltdown today. I led a play and even though it went better than I had expected, I felt like a total failure because I didnt prepare as much as I had wanted to. I didnt have much time because I was at the hospital this week, but I still should’ve and could’ve prepared more. I had more ideas and plans, but I was so scatterbrained that I even left a few props behind. The audience was laughing and it seemed like they enjoyed the show though. Well, after the play, we had lunch. I was trying to ignore the disappointment I felt towards myself. But after an hour, I was crying in the back room when a friend walked in. I was blubbering something like, "ugh Im so lazy and scatterbrained," etc, and she said "no, its because you’re a perfectionist." I was thinking "ha! how could a lazy slob like me be a perfectionist? perfectionists have everything together." But different people over the years have said that I’m a perfectionist, so I got home and "binged" it. I totally fit the criteria. I set unreasonably high standards for myself AND for others. I have the "critical eye" where I only see my flaws and other ppl’s flaws. After I complete a project of some sort (i.e. a play), I hone in on the imperfections and beat myself up over it. When I got a 97% on my chem final, I was ecstatic but disappointed that I was only 3% away from a 100%. So I get that perfectionism is a problem… it makes me suuuuper anxious, depressed, self-loathing, and I totally procrastinate because I’m afraid of not doing the task perfectly. But how do I stop being a perfectionist? Dont you have to be one if you want to go places in life? If I werent a perfectionist, I’d probably be late to work, late to school, turn homework in late, get B and C grades, etc. So as stressful as it is, I’d think that one would have to strive for perfection. Even if you never reach perfection, at least you’d land somewhere high up there. But, I do have to find ways to relax and rewind to regularly release pressure so I can avoid meltdowns. 
Go to Source

Too much to do. Too little time. So quick update:

• Good news: no more seizures for mom / more energy
• Bad news: parathyroid glands still inflamed –> low calcium levels –> potential seizure –> still in hospital with no set discharge plans
• I became a U.S. citizen yesterday! The next presidential election can’t come fast enough.
• Emailing with my aunt in Korea
• 3rd day of nursing assistant training, and although drained from living at hospital, loving every minute of it.
• Get to sleep at home tonight while dad’s @ hospital
• SO MUCH TO DO FRI, SAT, SUN ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I cant wait until monday.
• I have a piano recital at a nursing home next wed. Just me. I havent had much time to practice but I just need to brush up on pieces I played when I attended Western Washington Univ as a piano performance major. I have 4 pieces planned. Gotta practice hardcore starting Sunday. Hopefully mom will be discharged by then.
• Paying school tuition tmrw… cant wait til school starts
• Cant wait until clinicals in January!
• Cant wait to start working as CNA
• Too much to be excited for. 
• But super sleepy and exhausted
• Good night.

Go to Source

Currently spending the night at the hospital next to my mom, the patient. She was recovering well until a sudden seizure this morning. The doc tentatively postponed her discharge for tomorrow. After multiple calcium infusions, she’s finally back to 95% normal. It was pretty scary. She’s sound asleep now and hopefully will stay that way throughout the night. 

Tomorrow is my US citizenship interview! Pretty excited. It’s about TIME that I become an official citizen. Cant wait to vote in my first election!

Today was my first day of nurse assistant training! Besides the initial boring paperwork, it was a sure sign that this field is my direction in life. Of course a CNA certificate is only my 1st step up the career ladder, but one that I will be damn proud of. Crossing my fingers for employment in february after class/clinicals! I get to buy scrubs, stethoscope, aneroid blood pressure thingy, etc – way cool! Plus, being at the hospital the past 3 days only confirmed what I already knew: nursing is my destiny.

Go to Source