I miss all the women who used to blog here. If you’re reading this – amy, nicky, tracey, xantika, kris, sarah, hopefully im not missing anyone – i send u my love

I’m doing much better since my last entry. This sick time is actually a blessing in disguise. I had to stop ALL my activities (no jogging, walking, piano, work, etc) and I was forced to face myself, just myself with no distractions. After 3 days of moping and being depressed over it, I decided to take advantage of this and do some intensive recovery work on my own. So I started 2 workbooks yesterday and its already helping tremendously – 1) Emotional Weight (EW), and 2) Recovery of Your Inner Child (RYIC). EW is helpful cuz it covers ED’s directly by an experienced counselor. It’s stuff I’ve heard before but still, powerful reminders. And I looove RYIC. Journaling dialogues with my "Inner Child" is sometimes uncomfortable but extremely eye-opening. It helped me realize how I mentally, verbally, and physically abuse my inner child by 1) calling her fat/ugly/etc, 2) shutting her up with binging/purging/overexercise, etc. Total and constant abuse. The book helps me to be more compassionate, kind, and nurturing to myself. I still have slips in recovery but I’m human, I’m not perfect. I’m learning to be okay with that. Also, I realized – I dont want to be perfect and impress/please everyone else especially my relatives. I want to be happy, healthy, alive, and whole, just for ME. And my emotionally/physically healthy self is the best gift I can give to the world. 

Anyways, lots of aha-moments thru journaling and reading.

Money. I’m so pre-occupied with money cuz I want a ticket to Korea. I have to break my apt lease this week (soo dreading it) cuz of health probs it posed. But after that, I can figure out how I’m gona save up for Korea. I want a ticket for myself and also pay 70% for mom’s ticket. She needs to see her family more than I do, so I’m going to visit with her. I’m thinking about taking an online class fall quarter so I can work full time. But I also placed a piano ad in the newspaper… so do I wait for piano students to call me up (if they do)? Or do I go look for a 2nd evening job? I dont know yet… I’ll wait a week and see if the ad works, then will do what I can for extra income. I need to go to Korea. I’ve been craving it for a year now. Miss my relatives too much. 

Anyways, I’m starting to feel better physically. I went for a walk yesterday and am practicing piano again. So tonight (it’s 8:40pm), I’ll go home, play piano, chill with mom, have some fruit, mom will go to bed, and I’ll stay up watching movies until 4am (cant sleep cuz congested). 

Tomorrow’s a baseball game  

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