Archive for the ‘Anorexia Stories’ Category

A terrible day turned into a hopeful day

My depression was back at full force, as you can tell from my last entry that was written a few hours ago. I was crying randomly all day in the car, in my room, on my way to work… i smiled in front of people, but I was a mess when alone. It was all depression, eating disorder, cutting, crying, and hiding behind a smile. It was a miserable and I desperately wanted to kill myself. 

While I was crying in the car, I heard a christian song called "7×70" by Chris August. I had heard the song before, but I listened to the lyrics for the first time. Here it is:

It’s like, THE SONG OF MY LIFE. This song broke down the walls of my heart & cut to the core of all my issues: pain, anger, unforgiveness. I had dinner w/ my parents today while I was still in depressed mode. I was polite to them, but I barely spoke a word because I was hiding the anger/pain that they gave me for 23 years w/ their broken marriage. I almost cried a few times but managed to hold the tears back. When my eyes watered up, I looked down or went to the bathroom. Then I came back like everything was fine. 

I hear that cliche phrase all the time = eating disorders function to numb your feelings. Well, NOW i know what i’m trying to numb! all the pain, anger, tears from growing up in a broken, chaotic, angry, screaming family. I need healing from that. And forgiveness is the key. 

I absolutely love this song. It’s like my life’s theme. I love it. I will listen to it every time I struggle & need a reminder that whatever pain I’m feeling, I need to learn to forgive it.  

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hmm. i had an interesting night of binge drinking on friday. 

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oh F*** YEAH, im just drinkin in my room, vodka + diet orange soda.

SO EFFING HAPPY.

yeah yeah i know its wrong, yea yea, but WHAT EVAHHH. it would matter to me if i gave a shiz about my life and myself, but do i? hahahahahahha HELL NO. 

who cares about anything anymore.

im 95% confident i can drink w/o losing my job. but im not sure if i can keep living at my friend’s place cuz they dont approve me drinkin this much. so they might kick me out. but HELLLLLL NOOOOO IM NEVER GOIN BACK TO MY FREAKIN PARENTS PLACE, HELLLLL NOOOOOO. but u know what?! i got my party friends who love drinkin. they love me, i love them, they’l give me a place to stay. and if they dont, whoc ares, ill just be on the streets, ANY DA*N PLACE IS BETTER THAN THE HELLHOLE OF MY FAMILY’s SO-CALLED F***ING "HOME." never goin back to that HELLHOLE WHERE I F***ING SPENT 20 YEARS OF MY FREAKIN LIFE. 

F*** YOU MOM

F*** YOU DAD

F*** YOU SISTER

F*** YOU. am i hurting you w/ my drinking?? well not yet cuz you dont know im drinking again. but if you find out & i hurt you, DO YOU THINK I WILL CARE?! F*** NO. now you’ll get a taste of the pain & hurt ive been thru living w/ u guys for 20 F***ING YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but you know what. good news for you : youre not at fault for my alcoholism or eating disorder. i can not blame you guys. cuz i learned in lifespan psychology that as an adult, what i do is MY choice & MY responsibility. so you guys are off the hook. yes im angry at you guys. but what i do w/ my anger is my choice & my responsibility. so guess what. my alcoholism & my eating disorder is MY OWN FREAKING FAULT, ok?! you guys are off the hook. this is my own doing. this is my own fault. so dont worry. you guys r free & off the hook & guilt free. alright?!

but if you get hurt by my issues, dont come and tell me what to do & to stop. im an adult, you cant tell me what to do anymore. i was the perfect little girl for you gusy for so long. now? SCREW IT!!! SCREW IT ALL, SCREW MY LIFE. and most of all, SCREW YOU GUYS. 

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this thanksgiving, i am thankful for:

• a peaceful place to live @ my friend grace’s home
• close friends who are like family 
• thanksgiving dinner with my friend rachel’s family
• anti-depressants
• cute kids
• books, paychecks, retail therapy, netflix, a job, macbook, my new boots

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[a writing exercise from the book: 8 keys to recovery from an eating disorder]

"To begin to help you get clear on what purpose your eating disorder might be serving, write a letter to your eating disorder self thanking it for whatever you think it has done for you, such as keeping you thin or helping you deal with your anger, or assisting you in feeling unique or special. Write everything you can think of. Let your eating disorder self know what you think might have happened or might happen without it being there for you. Read over the letter. See if you can come up with and write about alternatives for how you could have handled or can handle situations instead of using your eating disorder. (This begins to bring out the healthy part of you)."

Dear ED,

It feels odd to write a thank you letter after years of hating you with every fiber of my being. But the truth is, I kept you near me for so long because you served many purposes in my life.

Thank you for your steady comfort when my family was so chaotic and angry. I was able to hide in my room and you comforted me with binge foods. You helped me escape the craziness of my family. I didn’t have to feel so sad because of you. You helped me feel numb to the pain and confusion. You helped me not to feel anything.

Thank you for temporarily improving my self esteem when you helped me lose weight. You made me feel temporarily in control. I was able to put all my attention on my weight & off of my family stress. You helped me get boyfriends who made me feel happy and special. You helped me temporarily forget how terrible I feel about myself when I over-exercised and starved myself. 

Thank you for helping me avoid pressure of providing for my family in the future. Whenever I felt overwhelmed, you helped me escape it with binge foods and endless tv shows. You gave me permission to feel nothing & do nothing. You helped me relax instead of constantly worrying about the future. You were so calming.

Thank you for helping me deal with my anger towards my family. Often times, I repressed my anger & rage. I didn’t know what to do with all those feelings. Then I would starve as "revenge" to my worried parents. Or I would binge and get fat as "revenge" to disappoint my parents. You helped me to communicate my pain and disappointment when I couldn’t do it verbally.  

Thank you for being there for me when I isolated myself. I hid in my room a lot & felt very alone when my parents were constantly fighting. I couldn’t open up to my friends & had noone to turn to. That’s where you came in and kept me company. 

As much as I hate you, I see that you’ve served me in so many ways when life was overwhelming. Thanks for helping me survive. However, you’re more destructive than helpful now, so I have to let you go. Yes, I’m breaking up with you. I’m going to make a habit to use other healthy alternatives, such as:

going to coffeeshops with a book (comfort)

journal about anger or disappointments (release anger)

hangout with friends (lonely)

daily recovery work (self esteem)

focus on self-care instead of family-care (less pressure) 

It won’t be easy but one day, these alternatives will come automatically to me before you. I might fall back on you once in a while, but you will eventually be a thing of the past. Thanks for all your help but I dont want your help anymore.  

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