Anorexia Stories | My Anorexia

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gotta breathe

just too much effing s*** and have no one to turn to.

i have people in my life but theyre probably annoyed by my problems

so i stopped opening up.

plus, theres no use anyway

cuz what good is opening up gonna do besides stress others out

and make them grow distant from me??

so i keep holding it in,

even tho it effing eats me up inside,

i dont know how to open up,

i literally just can not open up.

i function.

super busy with work, some friends, or whatever,

but always check out of life at nights

either w/ too much food, too little food, too much alcohol, or whatever.

life is just consumed w/ my sister (whom i love)’s effing bipolar disorder.

bipolar ruined my sister,

and it ruined my effing life

cuz my "home" is her effing treatment center

and we (me, mom, dad) are the effing counselors, psychiatrists, that are on-call 24/7

for her freaking manic episodes of rage, explosion, violence, etc….

and we are SO UNQUALIFIED

but the state is EFFING RETARDED AND EFFING DUMB-ASS

they dont know mental illness when its right in front of their dumbass face.

they give jail to people who need mental help.

they leave the serious mentally ill for FAMILIES to take care of

as if families are rehab

when usually families are dysfunctional.

wtf is up w/ the stupid government and state and mental health system??

anyways.

just overwhelmed

cuz life is consumed

with my sister’s ups-and-downs,

the mania and hypomania

of bipolar

on a daily basis

and i have the most responsibility

cuz my parents dont speak english very well

and my sister only looks up to me.

i have the responsibility of communicating btwn

our lawyer & sister without pissing her off,

got her a job & am training her at work hoping she doesnt

go manic around strangers (customers) as she usually does

and we’re spending a huge chunk of our paychecks for our lawyer

to keep her out of jail/prison.

on top of that, my parents still hate each other.

yet we gotta work together

as a treatment center.

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stressed beyond belief right now.

gotta take time to breathe.

gotta intentionally MAKE TIME for myself

to chill and unwind at starbucks,

somewhere calm,

somewhere not chaotic,

somewhere noone looks to me to fix everything

cuz i dont have the damn answers.

gotta breathe.

breathe.

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5am cant sleep

So worried about my sister.

It’s 5am, havent slept at all, and I gotta work 10:30am-7pm.

I’m just so worried about her.

What kind of inmates does she live with? Does she like any of them? Or is she paranoid of them too & getting into fights w/ them? Is she being mistreated or abused in any way? How is she w/o her contact lenses or glasses? How is she without books and stuff to keep her company? How is she w/o any contact from us (cuz we cant)? How is she doing??!???????

She’s only 15 minutes away & it feels like worlds apart. I can contact someone across the world, but not my own sister who is just 15 minutes away. We’re not allowed visitation until after her first court appearance, but thats not even scheduled yet.

I miss her so much & I wonder how she is coping with all of this.

I wish I could be there for her.

I wish there was something I could do besides sitting in bed worrying all day/night.

I wish there was something PRODUCTIVE i could do for her.

I wish I could tell her that it will be okay.

I hope she knows that we are thinking of her all day, all night.

I hope she knows that we love her so much.

I hope she knows that we will do anything & everythin possible to get her out of there.

I hope she will get the mental help that she needs.

I hope she will be released soon.

Please please please please let her be released soon.

Please let her be okay.

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forgiveness

My last post on 1/1/12 was about forgiveness.

I was so excited to forgive my family.

It was very easy to forgive my sister cuz of her bipolar diagnosis.

Her outbursts & violence were not her fault – its a brain disorder.

I didnt have to forgive my mom for anything

cuz she’s just awesome.

But it’s so hard to forgive my dad.

It feels impossible.

I love him to death.

And I understand the reasons behind his issues.

He grew up with a severely schizophrenic/bipolar father

who is still severely schizophrenic/bipolar to this day.

My dad & grandpa still have a strained relationship.

My dad cant even talk about his childhood cuz it makes him cry

and I’ve only seen him cry twice in my life.

So I understand why my dad is so messed up, ignorant, stupid, irresponsible, prideful,

extremely religious, impossible to communicate with, and impossibly stubborn.

I understand.

But it constantly hurts/angers me, mom, and sister on a daily basis.

What do I want from my dad?

Not money, material things, etc.

I want

understanding

apology

his time

interest in my life

no more extreme religion (thinks he can heal all cancer patients, mental illness, etc)

admit that he makes mistakes (instead of thinking he’s god)

get help from others

I’ve wanted these things from him all my life.

Morning to evening, I am calm/zen/spiritual/happy/peaceful/forgiving/understanding.

At night, I binge or drink, I am enraged/self pitying/spiteful/angry/unforgiving (although I hide it).

I want to break that nightly pattern.

I dont want to go back & forth anymore.

Dont know the practical steps to being stable,

but hope I can do it.

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Forgiveness made a way

A terrible day turned into a hopeful day

My depression was back at full force, as you can tell from my last entry that was written a few hours ago. I was crying randomly all day in the car, in my room, on my way to work… i smiled in front of people, but I was a mess when alone. It was all depression, eating disorder, cutting, crying, and hiding behind a smile. It was a miserable and I desperately wanted to kill myself.

While I was crying in the car, I heard a christian song called "7×70" by Chris August. I had heard the song before, but I listened to the lyrics for the first time. Here it is:

I’ve been living in this house here

Since the day that I was born

These walls have seen me happy

But most of all they’ve seen me torn

They’ve heard the screaming matches

That made a family fall apart

They’ve had a front row seat

To the breaking of my heart

7 times 70 times

I’ll do what it takes to make it right

I thought the pain was here to stay

But forgiveness made a way

7 times 70 times

There’s healing in the air tonight

I’m reaching up to pull it down

Gonna wrap it all around

I remember running down the hallway

Playing hide-and-seek

I didn’t know that I was searching

For someone to notice me

I felt alone and undiscovered

And old enough to understand

Just when I’m s’posed to be learning to love you

Let me doubt again

7 times 70 times

I’ll do what it takes to make it right

I thought the pain was here to stay

But forgiveness made a way

7 times 70 times

There’s healing in the air tonight

I’m reaching up to pull it down

Gonna wrap it all around

I lost count of the ways you let me down

But no matter how many times you weren’t around

I’m all right now

God picked up my heart and helped me through

And shined a light on the one thing left to do

And that’s forgive you

I forgive you

It’s like, THE SONG OF MY LIFE. This song broke down the walls of my heart & cut to the core of all my issues: pain, anger, unforgiveness. I had dinner w/ my parents today while I was still in depressed mode. I was polite to them, but I barely spoke a word because I was hiding the anger/pain that they gave me for 23 years w/ their broken marriage. I almost cried a few times but managed to hold the tears back. When my eyes watered up, I looked down or went to the bathroom. Then I came back like everything was fine.

I hear that cliche phrase all the time = eating disorders function to numb your feelings. Well, NOW i know what i’m trying to numb! all the pain, anger, tears from growing up in a broken, chaotic, angry, screaming family. I need healing from that. And forgiveness is the key.

I absolutely love this song. It’s like my life’s theme. I love it. I will listen to it every time I struggle & need a reminder that whatever pain I’m feeling, I need to learn to forgive it.

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want a drink

hmm. i had an interesting night of binge drinking on friday.

i over-did it and blacked out.

friends told me what happened & some are worried & some might be mad at me.

im sorry for those who are mad at me.

but that night, i remembered how absolutely f***ing good alcohol makes me feel.

and i want that again.

i would be out drinking right now

but i didnt cash my checks yet.

i know that i shouldnt

but i plan on cashing my checks tomorrow and buy a bottle.

i dont wanna hurt the friends who love me.

i know theyre worried

and im pretty sure they’ll cut me off if i continue like this

and i dont wanna lose them

but i want to drink so bad.

i dont really know what will become of my life

but i dont really care.

i actually really dont give a f*** about myself or my life.

i dont care if everyone deserts me or kicks me out

and i have to be homeless.

i dont think that’ll happen cuz i have a job,

but whatever happens will happen.

i dont really give a f***.

F*** EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.

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