i dont want to live anymore. this post is not a cry for help. i just dont want to share this with anyone in my real life cuz its just gonna worry them. and im probably never going to commit suicide. im too chicken. but i think about it often and it comforts me. just knowing that if i wanted to use it, there is a way out. cowardly, but it’s still a way out. but still, ill probably be too chicken to ever do it. so whats the point of talking about it w/ someone when i would worry them for no reason. 

but ive been thinking about it a lot today. i gave piano lessons this morning. came home, went to my room, closed the door, closed the curtains, and cried in my bed. i thought of ways i could kill myself. maybe my anti-depressant pills lithium carbonate? but i looked up the overdose symptoms and theyre merely digestive problems, seizures, etc. didnt mention death.

u know what sounds so good right now. binging. chocolate, pasta, chips, cookies, ice cream… all the food in the world. but i cant cuz 1) cant let myself get fat, and 2) i already wasted too much $ on binge foods. but the two things that sound heavenly to me: 1) endless food, and 2) the way out. 

i dont feel like i have anything to live for. and i know that suicide is the most selfish action someone could take. he/she gets to escape and feel nothing while the people they leave behind are left to deal with it. i know its super selfish. but ive postponed suicide for my mom for years. how much longer would i have to worry about other ppl than what i want? what i want is food or the escape. but i dont know.

anyways, if this post is inappropriate or triggering for whoever may be reading, i will delete it. 

i gotta get ready for work now. get back out in the real world and act like a normal person. so sick of this pattern. 

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