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dont know if that’s what i really want cuz i dont want all hardcore god people, like my dad. but i need a long term treatment center & i cant afford anything except mercy ministries (theyre free). so hopefully we can both get in. cuz im so tired of this life. hate my life. but most of all, i hate myself. i f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing HATE myself. so i just wanna go anywhere, long term, to hopefully feel better about myself and my life.

im just so tired of family drama. sisters mental illness. parents hating each other. mom telling me how my dad sucks. dad telling me how my mom sucks. always talking about divorce/separating, but never doing it cuz of money problems. tired of my purpose-less life. no drive. no desire to live. no nothing. im like a walking dead person w/ a fake smile glued on my face.

this f***ing sucks, hate my f***ing life, hate my f***ing self.

i hope i can change that at mercy ministries.

i hope my sister can become normal too.

i hope she doesnt have to spend forever in jail/prison.  

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well. i saw my sister today at the courthouse. 

its weird.
its weird how much i hate her & how much i love her.
its really weird.
and it sucks how theres not much i can do to help her bipolar.
and i dont know what to do to help her.
or keep her out of jail/prison.
or to help her take her meds.
or get counseling.

the court ordered her to get a mental health eval but how will she get the folowup required treatent/medications?
i have no idea.

anyways.
just ….
i dont know.
i have no idea what to do or feel right now.

anyways. thats that.
just wanted to blog real quick.

later.

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im staying at a cousin’s until i get my own apartment in 1-2 weeks. however, i went to my parents yesterday to take a 1-hr mid-day nap (cuz going to relatives again mid-day is so much gas $$). sister was supposed to be out, but she came home to change clothes. when she found out i was there, she threw food & bowls in the kitchen & yelled at my mom "clean that F*** UP." then she threw a bowl at my head which hit the bookshelf next to me & shattered. i guess that was my punishment for the TERRIBLE SIN i committed of taking a nap at my parents. man, i am SO SORRY, i deserve to go to hell for that. 

hahahahahhaha, isnt my sister hilarious?? she doesnt have a job, gets free home + food + gas from mom….. i have a job, i pay rent, i buy my own shit, yet i cant take a 1-hr nap there. 

hahahahahaha OH MY GOD, she cracks me up. 

psychos like her belong in jail, prison, mental institution, or in a grave. whichever one she ends up in doesnt matter to me. as long as she’s not in my life. i was a stupid idiot for doing all i can to bail her out of jail, speak FOR her in court, give her money & gifts, paying for her lawyer, throw her a surprise bday party, got her a job……………… wow, i was like mentally retarded for a few months. i was a foolish idiot. no more. 

i pray to GOD she goes to jail again. see if i ever bail her out again.

MY time, MY money, MY energy is gonna go to ME…. not to a piece of sh** that belongs in jail. 

OH YEAH, i went to rehab for my eating disorder in 2007, so u know what she says to me whenever she sees me: "u spent our parents $10,000 just cuz youre fat & ugly. should i get fat/ugly so i can spend $10,000 on rehab too?" —- uh EFF YOU dumba** b****. you may be skinny, but being skinny doesnt do your ugly face ANY GOOD. sorry to break it to ya, uglya** b****. if youre so hot & all that, how come youve NEVER had a SINGLE BOYFRIEND? how come you dont have a SINGLE FRIEND? how come the cops arrest you for thinking youre on drugs? boy, am i jealous of you & your life. you are such hot stuff. 

no more thinking / talking about her. not gonna waste another second on that piece of trash. so no more posts about her. no nothing about her. she does not exist to me anymore. does anyone ever remember that banana peel they found in the trash can a few years ago? no, right? she’s like the stink of the banana peel i used to smell by the trash can in the past. why dwell on it? 

so no more.

have fun in jail or prison or dead.

bye sis!  

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I’m staying at a relative’s house cuz I didnt feel safe at my parents. She threw a chair, remote control, and a binder at me, then came to assault me but couldnt because mom was blocking her. Mom and I backed out the door and left for our safety.

Oh, and she threw/spilled coffee at a stranger at the mall. Almost hit the woman’s baby in the stroller too. Isn’t that awesome.

I just dont emotionally care much anymore. U know? I’ve got my own life to worry about. I dont want her in jail & we’ve been doing everything we can to help her. But doesnt work. She exploded tonight cuz we asked her to take meds. Shes been off of them and refuses to take them — which could land her in jail or prison again. And she’s currently facing 2 trials for assault, another assault w/ a deadly weapon, hit and run, and there might be one more that i cant recall right now. 

The only way I can help her? Encourage meds, counseling, get her work/friends, etc. Which Ive been doing. I got her a job – but after tonight, I got her fired (one of the consequences for refusing meds). She will take our gifts, money, job offer, friends, etc, yet she cant do ONE THING for us (take meds)?? Really? She explodes and gets assaultive when we ask her for that ONE THING? Really?

Okay. Well I cant help her anymore. We’ve been spoiling her for no reason. We need that ONE THING in return. And if we dont get that, why are we spoiling her? Wasting our money on her gifts, allowance, lawyer, court fees, etc. What the f***? Wow, we are stupid dumb*** fools.  

I just dont care much anymore. I would totally cut myself off from her situation & let her learn on her own, but it would all fall on my poor mom’s shoulders (since my dad doesnt do sh** except sit in his chair and pray for supernatural healing, he refuses counseling, is against meds/doctors, etc). so it would literally all fall on my moms shoulders. And i cant do that to her.

so im not sure what to do yet. some decisions to make:

-gotta move out again, to where? and how much can i afford?

-how do i teach sister that violence is UNACCEPTABLE???? do i cut her out of my life again?

-how do i support my mom & cut sister out of my life at the same time?

-should i get counseling for myself even tho $$ is suuuuper tight?

-life is so freaking fun. 

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