I decided to check this out again and start writing. It has been awhile, actually two years this December.  Of course alot has happened in my journey since last time I was on this site. Last time I was alot heavier then I was comfortable with, but was dealing with it the best I could. At some point I started taking an antidepressant again and this particular one had weight loss as a side effect for me(I think at least) and I was so surprised because I didn’t start exercising again like I used to do. Since then I have been eating more strictly but with a bit more flexibility then in the past when I was really struggling. The thing that is really frightening is that when I have alone time I tend to still binge and purge. It is frustrating that after ALL this time I am still stuggling with bulimia. I fear that I will always struggle with food and if I don’t then I will not have the body that I want. Why that is still such a huge focus of mine eludes me. I have so much else to focus on and be happy for. I have a great husband and stepkids, a great family, healthy role models around me. I think I am just really stubbornly sticking to this disorder because it has become such a coping mechanism for me. It is this automatic thing I turn to without even being conscious of it. I have been this way sonce the mid nineties so it is definitely an ingained habit. Even after treatment I still can so easily go back to this mentality. I just don’t want to have to deal with the consequences of my behavior. Right now I don’t feel them but I know it is only a matter of time before I feel it physically. I still surf in the summer and I am thinking of continuing it during the year. I love surfing and I am good at it and to not be able to do it because of this ED behavior will just crush me. Not even being able to walk or be active is a possibility and still in the moment I binge and purge when the imulse hits me. I hate it and that is why I am back on this site because I have no one to talk about this with. I have gotten in touch with some old friends who I’ve known in the past have struggled with this, but I am afraid to mention it to them because I don’t want to bother them or be a trigger for them. I talk to them throug facebook so it is casual, but I feel so alone with this again and although I function in life it is still this nagging voice in my ear that distracts me from fully enjoying my moments.
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